


Uta Pri Song Fics

by RensSaxophone



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:13:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21657349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RensSaxophone/pseuds/RensSaxophone
Summary: It's just songs that I've written fics for. I'll credit the song artist for each song I use. The writing is mine, the lyrics are not. I'll probably use more characters, and I'm always up for song requests!
Relationships: Ren Jinguji / Ranmaru Kurosaki, Tokiya Ichinose / Ranmaru Kurosaki, Tokiya Ichinose / Ren Jinguji, Tokiya Ichinose / Ren Jinguji / Ranmaru Kurosaki
Kudos: 19





	1. So It Goes

Song is by Billy Joel (Though I heard it originally from a cover by Mariana's Trench.)

“In every heart there is a room  
A sanctuary safe and strong  
To heal the wounds from lovers past  
Until a new one comes along”

It had taken an entire year for Tokiya to get over his past relationship. It had lasted two years, and he had thought she was the one. 

For the first month, he had been truly and genuinely depressed. He had stopped showing up to rehearsals, and he hadn’t left his apartment. Otoya had tried to check on him, and Natsuki, Cecil, Syo, Reiji, and Masato. Ren had visited at least every other day, even though Tokiya would never answer the door. By the point Tokiya finally answered the door, Ren had been the last one to consistently keep trying. It was over as soon as the door was opened. Ren would have invited himself in before Tokiya could change his mind, and his expression is surprisingly stern, despite his voice being gentle. 

“I know you’re going through a lot, Toki. But you have to take care of yourself, too.” 

Tokiya would stare at him blankly. Tokiya knew that he didn’t look well. His face was very pale and his eyes were bruised, and he had lost weight. He was shedding like crazy and he hadn’t cleaned his apartment in quite some time. He hadn’t left it in longer. 

Ren would sigh, and he’d start getting to work. He had helped Tokiya before with this, back when Hayato was a thing. The last time Tokiya had let himself get this bad, only at least he was working then. He wasn’t even doing that right now. 

The perks of being an idol- he had enough money to take this break. His fans weren’t happy at his disappearance, Tokiya knows. He sees people talking about his leave, spreading rumors and making guesses at whether or not he’ll come back. 

Tokiya watches Ren, heading first to the kitchen. Ren was good with food. But Tokiya wasn’t hungry. He’d make sure his apartment door was closed, and then he’d just head back towards his bed. He’d just sleep out Ren’s visit. 

“Toki.” Ren says disapprovingly, and he’d leave the kitchen to grab Tokiya’s arm, just before Tokiya could climb into bed. “I’m not going to let you continue like this. It’s fine to be sad, but it’s not okay to ruin yourself over this.”

Tokiya just blinks at him. Ren sighs, and he’d lead Tokiya to the couch, pulling him. Tokiya doesn’t necessarily follow, but he doesn’t put up much resistance either. He sinks down into the couch and just stays there as Ren goes back to the kitchen. 

Ren had started what was both the first step into becoming better and the first step into becoming worse. Tokiya had shut himself off emotionally, pulling into himself to ignore all of the pain from the breakup that he couldn’t get over no matter how he tried. 

He began to go back to work, and to take care of himself, and for a long while that was enough. There were less knocks on his door from the others, content to see Tokiya healthy. Very few people saw the extent that Tokiya had gotten himself into. How far he had withdrawn. 

That’s why Ren continued to come over to make him dinners, and hadn’t stopped checking on Tokiya. At first it was purely physical. Making sure Tokiya kept himself in a healthy routine, making sure that the boy was functioning properly. 

It took a very long time for Ren to get Tokiya to open up to him, and by the time Tokiya had found himself giving in, he realized that he had fallen for Ren, and that it was too late to change how he felt. 

“I spoke to you in cautious tones  
You answered me with no pretense  
And still I feel I’ve said too much  
My silence is my self defense”

Tokiya would have kept silent about it for a very long time. Ren would have been around more and more, and Tokiya would have never said anything about it. 

Tokiya isn’t even sure when he started opening up to Ren. 

He guesses it was likely when he started answering more honestly to Ren’s simpler questions. 

“How are you, Toki?” 

Tokiya had swallowed hard, hesitating. This had been the first time he hadn’t given Ren a useless, throw away polite answer. That day had been rough, and Tokiya had wanted nothing more than to lie in bed and never get up. 

“I’m… not well.” Tokiya would say finally. 

Ren doesn’t seem surprised at the answer. “Would you like to talk about it?”

“Would you even care?” Tokiya would ask. It was a genuine question, with no malice in his words.

Ren doesn’t take it as an attack. He takes it as a question. “I would.”

Tokiya would have told him. It would have started very carefully, but when Tokiya had finally broken, the words had flowed a bit easier. 

They never came easy, but the first time Tokiya broke had encouraged Ren to press further the next time, and the time after that, now that he knew that Tokiya was willing to speak to him. 

But Ren must have caught on to how Tokiya felt, because he would have approached Tokiya with a gentle seriousness. 

“Toki,” Ren is speaking slowly. Tokiya isn’t sure what this is going to be about, and he isn’t sure what Ren’s thinking. There’s nothing but a calmness on his face. “Do you… feel a certain way about me?”

Tokiya knew exactly what Ren meant. 

He would shut down. He’d withdraw into himself, into his quiet little room. The one in which he couldn’t be hurt so long as he was alone in it. 

He would stay quiet. 

That day, Ren wouldn’t push.

“And this is why my eyes are closed  
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen  
And so it goes, and so it goes  
And you’re the only one who knows”

Tokiya was making himself miserable. Tokiya always made himself miserable. He was his own worst enemy, his own biggest obstacle. 

He’d try to ignore his feelings for Ren. He’d try to push Ren away without seeming like he was doing it. He’d suddenly have more plans. He wouldn’t feel so well, or he’d be so tired. 

He was withdrawing. 

It was what he always did. 

Because what if Ren didn’t feel the same way and had brought it up to let Tokiya know that. 

Or if Ren did feel the same way, and it ended like Tokiya’s last relationship?

Tokiya is terrified of that. 

But it was lonely, locked up in the empty room. Right now, it felt like there was a constant, persistent knock on the door. 

None of the boys were suspicious of Tokiya’s withdrawn state. Tokiya had always been very closed off and to himself, keeping a polite arms length of distance between himself and anyone else. He had an emotional border that only he was allowed to cross. 

And Ren. 

The other boys never tried, and if they did, they didn’t push. If they even knew that Tokiya was keeping them out, they never commented. They never argued. As long as Tokiya wasn’t being self-destructive, they left him be. As long as he was healthy. As long as he was acting okay. 

Ren knew that Tokiya was trying to push him out, and Ren wasn’t going to leave without a fight. There was always a come back. 

“I’m not feeling well today.”

“We could stay in and watch a movie. Or if you want sleep, I could drop by later to check up on you. I wouldn’t mind bringing you medicine, or soup.”

“I’m sorry, I’m busy that day.”

“That’s fine, Toki. We can reschedule. When are you next available? Even if it’s just to grab lunch.”

The only thing that Tokiya would win on was when Ren would ask Tokiya the same question, and he’d ask it quite often. 

“Toki, how do you feel about me?”

When Tokiya would get quiet, Ren would let him drop the question. 

That was the only one that Ren would drop. 

“How are you, Toki?”

Tokiya would remain silent. 

Ren would wait until he’d answer. He wouldn’t take any answer that wasn’t an honest one. Tokiya wasn’t sure how Ren knew when Tokiya was being dishonest, but Ren knew, and he knew well. He wasn’t afraid to call Tokiya out on it. 

Ren just wouldn’t let Tokiya distance himself enough. 

This went on for a very long time. 

And then, it stopped. Just once, but that was enough. 

“Toki, how do you feel about me?”

Tokiya would close his eyes. Tokiya would focus on his breathe. He’d focus on his tongue, making sure that it would move. That it would properly convey his thoughts, as well as he knew them himself. 

“I care about you. Deeply. More than a friend. I… truly, deeply, genuinely care for you, Ren.” 

He’d feel a hand on his cheek. The palm of Ren’s hand is soft, and it’s so warm against Tokiya’s face. Tokiya would open his eyes, warily, his face cautious. Ren’s tanned face has soften into an almost adoring expression, one that Tokiya hasn’t seen from anyone in a long time. At least, not when it was given to him. Ren’s eyebrows are furrowed, but it only helps make the expression even softer. 

“I care for you, too, Toki.” Ren’s mouth lifts at the corners, into a small yet meaningful smile. “Truly and deeply.”

Tokiya’s hand lifts, his fingertips ghosting across the back of Ren’s own hand, the one resting on his cheek. The emotions in his eyes vary, darkening the look in his eyes, and normally he’d believe that his emotions weren’t dechiperable, but he thinks that Ren can read them. 

For once, he doesn’t want to withdraw. It feels like the door to his room has been open, and for just a moment, he believes that maybe he won’t regret it.

“So I would choose to be with you  
As if the choice were mine to make  
But you can make decisions too  
And you can have this heart to break”

Tokiya was still afraid. Afraid to let himself into another relationship. To be vulnerable around someone else. To take care of someone and let them take care of him. 

And then he realizes that he’s already reached that point with Ren, before he had finally told Ren exactly what he felt. 

Not that he would have been able to deny Ren, when Ren slowly began to take things further. It was so slow. It was considerate. It still hardly alleviated Tokiya’s fear. But there was nothing in Tokiya that would even consider telling Ren no. 

If Tokiya told Ren no, he thinks Ren would listen to him. 

Tokiya can’t bring himself to try it. He’s good at making himself miserable, but the pang in his chest would spread to his stomach and would stop the words from coming out if he ever considered bringing it up. His eyes would burn and a heavy feeling would rest behind them. 

Tokiya was Ren’s. Tokiya was Ren’s before he told Ren that he wanted to be. Before Tokiya knew he wanted to be. 

Finally, they had progressed enough that they were just on the cusp of still being two separate people and being one. Being together. 

The door to the room was already open, and Ren was just outside it. 

He was a mere step from joining Tokiya inside. 

Tokiya would approach Ren with a ducked head and closed eyes. Tokiya’s mind would go blank. He didn’t have a speech prepared. He had tried, but he couldn’t stop imagining what Ren may do, or what Ren may say, and Tokiya was aware that the Ren in his head wasn’t the Ren in real life. 

Tokiya knew that the Ren in his head knew the fear and insecurity that Tokiya held. The Ren in his head shared the hatred for Tokiya that Tokiya held. The Ren in his head knew what hurt, and he’d aim for Tokiya’s Achilles Heel. Even Tokiya knew that the real Ren wouldn’t. That Ren didn’t see Tokiya the way that Tokiya saw himself. That the bitter pity Ren held in Tokiya’s head wasn’t real. But that kept the conversation in Tokiya’s head from accurately progressing, because he couldn’t be sure how Ren would react. 

So he was going to improv it. God, did Tokiya hate improv. 

Tokiya can’t even speak before Ren’s index finger and thumb gently grasp Tokiya’s chin to tilt his head up. 

“What is it, Toki?” 

Tokiya would rather look at the floor as he speaks. Looking at Ren’s face makes it harder. But Ren knows this is serious, and Tokiya knows that when he’s speaking honestly, his face reflects what he’s thinking. Tokiya’s face always has an open expression if he forgets to mask it. It’s hard to mask it in front of Ren. 

“There’s… our… relationship, has been moving forward. I’ve told you how I feel, and you’ve told me how you feel.” Tokiya’s hands grip each other in front of him. He’s pulling and tugging and twisting his fingers as he speaks. When he pauses, he flexes his jaw. He knows Ren can feel it. Ren is quiet, watching Tokiya’s face with an almost intense expression. Tokiya can tell that Ren doesn’t trust where this is going. Tokiya’s nervousness isn’t conveying the right message for what it sounds like Tokiya is asking. The nervousness doesn’t feel like it’s a normal asking out jitter. “So there’s only two ways for us to go now. I… want to give myself to you, Ren. What you choose to do with me is entirely your choice. Even if your decision is to break us off. Whether it be now, or in the future, I’m… giving you my heart, Ren. Everything I can give.”

Ren would let out a very deep breath. His face had changed as Tokiya spoke, drawing tight, looking almost pained. He’d let go of Tokiya’s face, but one of Ren’s arms would wrap around Tokiya, just under Tokiya’s arms, across his back. Tokiya’s arms would wrap around Ren, almost instinctively. Ren’s free hand would move to the back of Tokiya’s head and press Tokiya’s head against his shoulder. There’s a firm pressure, but it’s comfortable. “Tokiya…” There’s a long pause after the word, Ren’s voice nothing but a sigh. He holds Tokiya for a long moment. “I can’t blame you for looking to the end, because I know how hurt you were. I know how hurt you still are, and I know that you aren’t ever going to be completely over that. But I’d like for you to look at this as new beginning. The ending to our story hasn’t been written yet. There are no definitives. I want to be happy, and I want you to be happy, just as much. But more than any of that, I’d like for us to be happy together. I love you, Tokiya. I would love to have all of you, and I would love to give you all of me. So let’s just be happy together now.”

“And so it goes, and so it goes  
And you’re the only one who knows”


	2. Lost Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Lost Boy by Ruth B

**There was a time when I was alone**   
**Nowhere to go and no place to call home**   
**My only friend was the man in the moon**   
**And even sometimes he would go away, too**

Tokiya was a strange child with a wild imagination and an avid love for reading. He would spend all day with a book in front of his nose, because he liked book characters better than he liked the other kids his age. He had tried to play with them, but Tokiya had never quite fit in, and Tokiya had become a very withdrawn child. 

He overheard the adults wondering why he was so shy. Tokiya didn’t think that he was shy. He had tried to make friends, it just never seemed to work out. 

Tokiya’s favorite book right now was Peter Pan. He read that book often, to the point that it was much more scuffed and worn than any other book on his shelf. He’d often dream of leaving his home, to live with the Lost Boys. To become one, far away from here. 

And then, at night, Tokiya would sit by the window and stare up at the moon. The moonlight wasn’t enough to read by, so he’d just watch it, imagining that there was someone else, just like him, sitting on the moon. Just as lonely as Tokiya always was. 

They were friends, Tokiya and that imaginary child. They would talk to each other until Tokiya fell asleep, having conversations back and forth in Tokiya’s head. He had to remain quiet, to make sure that no one heard him and made him go to sleep. It wasn’t often that Tokiya got to speak to anyone his own age. 

But morning would always come to take away his friend. And some nights, no matter how hard Tokiya might try, there were too many clouds to find the moon, or it was hidden from his window, or too dull to see. Tokiya missed it, on nights it wasn’t there. 

Tokiya didn’t feel like he belonged here. He had no friends at home, and his mother wasn’t his friend, and his mother’s friends weren’t his friends, either. They looked at him with pity. The poor, shy boy that can’t make any friends. All they had to tell him was what he was doing wrong. They didn’t believe him when he told them that it wasn’t his fault. That it was the other kids that wouldn’t talk to him. 

They told him he wasn’t trying hard enough. That charisma was the most important thing a child his age could have, and that he’d need to leave this shy phase soon if he wanted to be successful. 

Tokiya didn’t feel like he belonged. 

Tokiya wondered if he would ever find a place that he did.

**Then one night as I closed my eyes,**   
**I saw a shadow flying high**   
**He came to me with the sweetest smile**

Tokiya had been sitting in front of the window, but his eyes would narrow when he’d notice a child- one that seemed to be around his age, and he seemed to be playing outside. Tokiya would watch the child for a long moment, and he’d open his window. The noise would draw the other kid’s attention, and he’d give Tokiya a bright smile. 

The boy would approach Tokiya’s window, and Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow. 

“Hi!” The boy would have walked until he was face to face with Tokiya. 

Tokiya would blink. “Why are you outside? It’s really late.”

“I was playing. Night’s the best time to do it.”

Tokiya would take in the kid’s smile. It was happy, and carefree, and friendly. It was a smile Tokiya had never gotten before. 

“Can we talk for awhile? I like making new friends.”

“...But I don’t even know your name.”

**He said, “Peter Pan, that’s what they call me.”**

His smile turns almost teasing. Tokiya notices that the boy is looking at the book, that’s lying in the open on the table near his bed, a bit further in the room. 

“And why would they call you that?”

The boy’s smile never drops, even at Tokiya’s deadpan reaction. “Because I make friends with kids that are lost, like me. So that they don’t feel so alone.”

Tokiya liked that answer, but it wasn’t like him to give in so quickly. Not even to a boy like this. 

“What’s your real name?”

The boy’s smile widens into a grin, and he laughs, though it’s a pretty quiet laugh. “It’s Ren.”

Tokiya stays quiet for a long while. “I’m Tokiya.”

“Well, Tokiya.” Ren would lay his arms down on Tokiya’s windowsill, resting his head on the top of his forearm. “Now that we’re friends **I promise that you’ll never be lonely.** Not anymore.” 

They would have spoken almost the entire rest of the night. Tokiya can’t remember the last time he had laughed. 

“You don’t speak like most kids.” Ren would comment, somewhere into the hour mark of their conversation. 

“I read a lot. And I don’t talk to a lot of kids, either.” Tokiya says, almost a bit awkwardly. “I mostly talk to grown ups.”

“I think it’s cool.” Tokiya liked Ren’s smile. Ren seemed to smile often. 

That night, Tokiya hadn’t even thought of his imaginary friend on the moon.

**And ever since that day**   
**I am a lost boy from Neverland**   
**Usually hanging out with Peter Pan**   
**And when we’re bored we play in the woods**   
**Always on the run from Captain Hook**

Hanging out with Ren had started to happen on a daily basis. Tokiya finally had a friend, and he was ecstatic about it. At first, they talked during the night, when Tokiya would see Ren outside, playing. But then, Ren would start coming around during the day. 

At first, Tokiya would read, cross legged on the ground outside, his back pressed against a tree, and Ren would play by himself, in the same area as Tokiya. Ren would often offer an invitation for Tokiya to join him, but Tokiya would usually shoot him down. Tokiya never really played the way the other kids did. 

Tokiya isn’t sure what changed his mind. 

But one day Ren would have suggested that they play together. “We can play anything you want.” Ren is kneeling besides Tokiya. Ren had told Tokiya that Tokiya didn’t talk like a normal kid, but Ren didn’t act like one, either. Whenever Tokiya told him no, Ren always just accepted it. He didn’t huff and puff or get mad at Tokiya for being boring. He just dropped it and tried again the next day. “We could pretend we’re in one of your books.” 

This was something Ren suggested often. It was probably the best bet Ren had of getting Tokiya to play with him. 

Tokiya would be quiet for a moment, and then he’d place his bookmark into his book, setting it down on the grass. “Okay.” 

Ren would smile widely, clearly excited. “What do you want to play?”

“Let’s do Peter Pan.” Tokiya would say, not much thought involved. And then he’d smile, the best teasing smile that Tokiya could manage. “Since you’re already him.”

Ren would laugh, and he’d bounce to his feet. Tokiya would get up, less enthusiastically, though not unwilling. 

They weren’t out in the open, but rather in a small patch of trees near Tokiya’s house. It was Tokiya’s secret spot, to avoid everyone else and read. He had no problem sharing it with Ren. That day, they’d play. Tokiya would be a lost boy, and Ren would be Peter Pan, and they’d run, and try to hide from Captain Hook, all while having amazing adventures. Tokiya often found himself smiling. 

That wasn’t the last day they played together. Tokiya rarely even brought a book out to play after a while. 

It was lucky that Ren was almost always available, though Tokiya had never been to his house. Ren hadn’t ever been inside of Tokiya’s either. 

But Tokiya got into the habit of being almost reliant on Ren. Being with Ren made him happy, because he felt free, and he felt like himself. 

He’d start excusing himself from conversations that would drift into the territory of how Tokiya acted. Of how his mother wishes he acted more like a normal kid, and her friends would tell him that he needs to be more friendly. He’d leave, to go outside. 

**”Run, Run Lost boy”, they’d say to me**   
**Away from all of reality**

‘Lost Boy’ had become Tokiya’s new nickname, but it wasn’t a good thing. It wasn’t meant the way he meant it in his head. The way Ren meant it when he’d use it as a nickname for Tokiya. 

Tokiya guesses he _was_ running away from his problems, but he was leaving to something that made him happy. He didn’t think it was that bad. 

What did it matter that he was running from reality? Wasn’t imagination normal for a child?

Tokiya didn’t see the problem, but they certainly made it out to be one. All of the time that he was spending outside should have been a good thing, but it turned into a topic of gossip for his mother and her friends. Tokiya often heard them talking when he wasn’t in the room. Just like the others kids at school, when they saw him. When they thought he wasn’t listening. 

Just because he was quiet didn’t mean he wasn’t there. He still knew exactly what they were saying. 

He’d do his best to ignore it. 

It wasn’t only the adults, either. But when his fellow classmates called him ‘Lost boy’ they meant it as an insult. Tokiya knew that. 

They’d tease him about it. About how he didn’t act like them. About how he was alone. 

They never directly said it, but Tokiya knew what they meant. 

He was a lost boy, and he didn’t belong. He knew he didn’t belong there, but there had to be somewhere he could go.

**Neverland is home to lost boys like me**   
**And lost boys like me are free.**

“One day we’ll leave.” Ren promises Tokiya, on yet another day he would go to the small patch of woods, upset. “We’ll find our Neverland, and we’ll both be happy.” 

Tokiya would wipe at the frustrated tears in his eyes, and he’d find it in himself to smile. He’d nod. “I’d like that.”

“Our time is coming, Toki. Soon.” Ren is leaning against a tree, opposite from the tree that Tokiya’s leaning on. “We can be free.”

“We can be free.” Tokiya echoes, agreeing.

**He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe**   
**To believe in him and to believe in me**

Tokiya was growing older by the day, and every day brought a new feeling of hopelessness. A new nagging thought that maybe he wouldn’t ever leave. That all of the talk of his Neverland that he was going to find with Ren was just as fake as the story of Peter Pan was. 

Ren must have been able to read Tokiya better than Tokiya thought he could. 

Despite the years moving on, Ren and Tokiya still spend a lot of time in the small patch of woods. And the day where Tokiya had felt miserable, Ren had crouched down in front of him, and had given him a soft smile. It reminded Tokiya of a younger Ren. The type of Ren that he had met years ago. 

Ren would hold a hand up, his fingers closed. “You know what this is?”

Tokiya knew for a fact that Ren’s hand was empty. “Your hand…?”

“I meant what’s inside of it, Toki.”

“Nothing. Unless you picked up a rock when I wasn’t watching.”

Ren would chuckle. “It’s pixie dust.” His grin is almost goofy now. “You can’t see it, because it’s magic. But it’ll make things better.” Ren would wink, and then he’d open his hand- which is, in fact, empty, and he’d blow on his palm. “All you need to do for it to work is to believe.” Ren would plop himself on the ground completely, lowering his hand. “You have to believe in me. But even more important than that, you have to believe in you. You can change things, Toki. You’re going to. You just have to keep holding out. And one day we’ll make it.”

Ren’s voice would soften. **”One day together we will fly away in a cloud of green to your beautiful destiny.”**

“That was cheesy. But thank you, Ren.”

That day would have come only a month after Tokiya had gotten his driver’s license. He had saved all of the money he had gotten for as long as he could remember, and he would take the cheap hunk of junk car he had been given, the one that barely ran but that he had learned to drive in, and he’d pack light and he’d leave, Ren in the passenger seat. 

**As we soared above the town that never loved me**

Tokiya left. He drove, and he drove, not even knowing where he would go, but he knew he was headed in the right direction. He didn’t speak much. Ren didn’t speak much. 

This was the right decision. Tokiya felt a weight off of his chest as soon as he had left the town he had grown up in. He finally felt free. 

He would stop for gas three times, and each time Ren would begin to get quieter and quieter. 

By the time Tokiya finally stopped for good, Ren had been entirely silent for almost an hour. Tokiya would look at him, and Ren would give him a wide, bright smile. 

“We made it.”

When Tokiya gets out of the car, Ren doesn’t follow. 

Tokiya glances back in, and the passenger seat is empty. 

Tokiya had known, deep down, that it would be. 

Of course Tokiya knew that Ren was fake. But he needed him. He chose to forget that Ren had never been real. But everything Ren had told him was real. It was everything that Tokiya needed to hear. The encouragement Tokiya hadn’t managed to give himself. Or wouldn’t have been able to, without Ren. 

Tokiya would open the door to the driver’s seat, because he can’t stand right now. He’d sit in his car, and he’d break down crying. 

Tokiya was scared, without Ren. 

But he’d continue on. Because Tokiya had made Ren up to help him. And even if Ren wasn’t real, he felt real to Tokiya. He had always felt real to Tokiya. Just because Ren wasn’t with him didn’t mean that Tokiya’s decision wasn’t right. He’d still go through with it, because he had to. For Ren. For himself. If Ren left him, it meant that Tokiya was going to be alright by himself. 

Ren would still be here if Tokiya wouldn’t be alright. 

Ren was that part of himself that wanted Tokiya to be okay. That wanted Tokiya to be happy. Tokiya couldn’t disappoint Ren by giving up now. 

Tokiya’s distracted from his sobbing session by an almost awkward clear of the throat. 

“Hey, uh… Are you alright?”

Tokiya had forgotten to close the door. Well, forgotten was a nice way to put it. Tokiya’s legs were outside of the car. He had really forgotten to get completely inside of his car before he had lost it. Tokiya would take in the man standing in front of him. He looks a bit visibly uncomfortable, but there’s some concern that’s poorly hidden in the expression, too. The man had grey hair, standing up in unnatural spikes, and he had eyes of two different colors. One was the same color of grey as his hair, and the other was a startling pink. Tokiya had stared for a few seconds too long, and he’d blink, trying to blink back his tears, before giving up and just roughly rubbing his hands across his cheeks. His car was parked in front of the cheapest hotel that he could find. 

“Oh, uh, yeah.” Tokiya would smile. It’s a bit too wide, a bit too obviously forced, but a smile nonetheless. “I’m alright. Thank you for asking.”

“Yeah.” The man’s voice was obvious. He didn’t believe Tokiya at all. But he was a stranger- so he’d take the answer. “I er.. Hope things get better for you.”

Tokiya would nod, and the man would stand still for just a second too long, and he’d take a step back, casting one last look at Tokiya before walking inside of the hotel.

**I realized I finally had a family.**

Tokiya wouldn’t have expected that the man who had spoken to him that day would ever mean anything to him, but he was pleasantly surprised that he was wrong. 

The next morning he would have been in the lobby. The hotel was incredibly cheap, but Tokiya would have found out pretty quickly that it was cheap for a reason. The only nice place in the building was the lobby, but at least they had a pleasant sitting room. And there was wifi. That’s what Tokiya needed. He’d be scrolling on his phone to try to find his next two steps. 

A job, and a living arrangement. 

There weren’t many taken rooms in this inn, and looking around the lounge area, it looked like most of the people staying in the inn had chosen to go to this room. There were a few couches and a few chairs, and only a handful of open spots, most of them on the couches. By the time the man Tokiya had seen yesterday would come in, the only spots were next to people. It happened that the man had chosen to take the open seat on the couch next to Tokiya. 

Tokiya doesn’t know what gets him to start talking. 

It’s likely loneliness. He misses Ren. 

And Tokiya wasn’t shy. Despite what his mom said. Despite what the kids thought. It was that no one ever seemed to respond to his attempts. 

He also likely wouldn’t have spoken to the man had the man not just been sitting there, doing seemingly nothing. 

“If you don’t mind me asking, are you from around here?” Tokiya would glance up from his phone as he asks his quiet question. 

The man’s eyes would turn towards Tokiya. He did have pretty eyes. “No.” Tokiya expects that to be the end of it, but after a beat or two, he continues. “Just got here two days ago. ‘M tryin’ to get things settled here.”

“Funny.” Tokiya gives a small smile. “I’m doing exactly the same thing.”

The man watches him for a long second. It makes Tokiya almost nervous, but then the man speaks again. “The name’s Ranmaru.”

“Tokiya.” 

Ranmaru would let out an acknowledging grunt. 

There’s a moment of silence, but before Tokiya can return to his phone, Ranmaru asks a question, though he speaks slowly, as if he’s unsure. “Where are you from, Tokiya?”

Tokiya would tell him. Ranmaru would tell him where Ranmaru had come from, too. But Ranmaru’s followup question hits close to home, for no reason that is Ranmaru’s fault. “Why’d you come here?”

“It felt right.” Tokiya answers quietly. He feels a pang in his chest. “I… just had to get out. So I just drove until I felt ready to stop, and it was here.”

Ranmaru would nod. Tokiya feels like it’s a bit crazy, but Ranmaru isn’t openly showing that he thinks so. He probably would, if Tokiya said that he was encouraged by a friend that had never actually existed. Tokiya chooses to leave this out.

Ranmaru seems to think for a long second, perhaps debating on how much he wants to tell Tokiya. “I… get that. I burned a few bridges and just needed to leave, myself.”

Tokiya would nod. They didn’t have exactly the same reasons, but they both couldn’t stay where they were. That was fair. 

They didn’t speak much after that, but the next day, Ranmaru would sit back by Tokiya- though there had been an open chair or two. Tokiya wouldn’t lie, he had forgone a chair for a seat on a couch in hopes that he might get to speak to Ranmaru again. 

This time, Tokiya would be reading a book. His old, worn out copy of Peter Pan. He hadn’t had any luck yesterday with a living situation, but he had applied for a few jobs, and at this point, his only option was hoping and waiting. 

“Peter Pan, huh? I haven’t read that since I was a kid. It’s a good book.” Ranmaru’s comment is a bit gruff, but it would get a smile out of Tokiya. 

Tokiya found it surprising that he could manage a smile while reading this book right now- but Ranmaru had managed to draw it out of him. 

“It is.”

Something as simple as a book would have led them into another conversation. A conversation about their childhood, though Tokiya kept all of the seriousness out of his stories, and if Ranmaru had any trauma, he avoided his, too. 

With the exception of their fathers. Tokiya’s had left, Ranmaru’s had died. Neither had been torn up enough about it to choose to not mention it. 

Casual trauma, Tokiya guesses. 

They’d actually talk for a good few hours. It would have started with their childhood, and then they would have revealed their ages. Ranmaru was seventeen, a year older than Tokiya. Tokiya was beginning to believe that they really may have more in common than he would have thought. 

They’d speak again the next day. 

They would have discussed a bit about what they’ve been searching for. Tokiya had gotten contacted from two jobs, an interview for tomorrow and one for the day after that. One was retail, and the other was a restaurant. More of a fast food type than anything, but that was the only Tokiya would hope for the most. 

Ranmaru had a job set up before he had gotten there, having chosen his location before he had left. They both weren’t having any luck with finding anywhere to stay. 

Tokiya was a bit nervous. His money was beginning to run a bit low, even with as dirt cheap as this place was. He hoped he could start his job soon. 

As their conversation would begin to wrap up for the night, Ranmaru would rub the back of his neck. “Not tryin’ to be too forward or anythin’ but, I’ve found a couple ‘a places that were pretty cheap. Not one person cheap. We’re both lookin’ for places to stay. If you’re willin’ to settle for having a roommate, I’d bet we could afford one of the apartments with beginner level jobs.” Ranmaru would begin to move, to leave back to his room. “Just an option to think over.”

Tokiya would think it over that night. 

The next day, after his interview for the restaurant, he’d tell Ranmaru that he’d be up for a roommate, but he’d be honest that he wasn’t necessarily familiar with a lot of… adult things. 

And that he didn’t have enough money for a deposit. 

“Don’t worry ‘bout that. I had a part time job before I got here. ‘S long as you’re good to help with the rent, I can cover getting it.” 

This was working out suspiciously well. 

Tokiya would have gotten the restaurant job, and it would have taken a few tries, but Ranmaru and Tokiya would have gotten an apartment. 

Tokiya was wondering if they might end up as the type of roommates that spent most of their time in their respective rooms, but they didn’t. 

Ranmaru usually cooked, and he’d make enough for both of them. They spent a lot of time in the living room, at the same time. After they had both gotten their jobs settled, they actually played card games, during the time they were both off. 

Tokiya enjoyed the time he spent with Ranmaru. 

He never forgot about Ren, but having Ranmaru around made it easier to not have Ren. 

It would only take a few months of living together for them to have gotten entirely comfortable with each other. 

Tokiya would get confirmation that Ranmaru styled his hair, because he’d come out of his room with his hair flat. Tokiya would also learn that Ranmaru’s eyes were both grey. That one he had learned at first from their shared bathroom, because the clear contact case held pink contacts. 

The last thing that Tokiya would find out is that Ranmaru played the bass. 

Towards the fourth month of living together, Ranmaru would have started to play in the living room every once in a while. Tokiya liked listening to him. 

When Tokiya opened up a bit more about how he was actually a teenage runaway, Ranmaru had seemed angry- but it wasn’t at him. 

“That’s fuckin’ stupid. I think you did the right thing. Leavin’. Kid or not, you shouldn’t stick around where you’re not bein’ appreciated.” 

Tokiya would have smiled. Ranmaru had gotten quite a few genuine smiles from Tokiya, and this was yet another one. Tokiya really had gotten lucky, meeting Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru felt like family. The closest thing to family that Tokiya really feels that he had. 

Tokiya could almost see Ren, smiling brightly at him.

He was free. He was happy. 

He had found where he had belonged.


	3. Can't Have You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can't have you by the Jonas Brothers

_**You warned me that you were gonna leave** _  
_**I never thought you would really go** _

Tokiya and Ranmaru were not strangers to arguments, and most of them were because of Tokiya. 

“If you’re just gonna keep everythin’ to yourself, why am I even here?” Ranmaru would scowl. 

“That’s a good question.” Tokiya’s answer is short. 

“If you keep doing this shit, Tokiya, I’m done. I’m not just gonna stay here and watch you drive yourself into the ground. I’m offerin’ you my help, but if you’re not gonna take it, I don’t have any reason to stay. I mean it, too.”

Tokiya would keep quiet. 

This hadn’t been the first time they had this argument. This hadn’t been the first time that Ranmaru threatened to leave him. 

But it had been the last. 

**_I was blind but baby now I see_ **  
**_Broke your heart but now I know_ **

It really was a wake up call, when Ranmaru was gone. Tokiya hadn’t realized how much he really was taking it for granted that he _had_ Ranmaru in the first place. 

For the first few hours after he was gone, Tokiya had convinced himself that it didn’t matter, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

Ranmaru left him because Tokiya was independent to a fault. He had built up walls around himself that he wouldn’t let Ranmaru through- and it made Ranmaru worried. Worried about Tokiya. Tokiya is reminded of what Ranmaru would often tell him. 

“I don’t want to watch you destroy yourself.”

He often said it differently, but it was always the same idea. He didn’t want to watch Tokiya’s self-destructive habits. Ranmaru had tried to make it work so many times, and Tokiya had never changed anything. Of course Ranmaru wouldn’t stick around forever. 

Tokiya had been hurting Ranmaru, and it had been going on for a very long time. 

He wishes it hadn’t taken Ranmaru leaving for Tokiya to finally figure that out.

**_That I was being such a fool_ **  
**_And I didn’t deserve you_ **

Tokiya had been an idiot. There was no better way to put it. If Tokiya could have gotten over himself for long enough to let Ranmaru in, Ranmaru wouldn’t have left. 

Ranmaru was a very gruff man. He seemed tough, and intimidating. Spiky. But he was often soft with Tokiya. He pried, purely out of concern. Because he was worried that Tokiya would do something stupid because he was so obsessed with hiding anything about himself that didn’t seem perfect. 

Well, Tokiya did do something stupid. 

Ranmaru was one of the best things that had ever happened to Tokiya. Tokiya’s chest aches as he realizes that he’s thinking about Ranmaru in the past tense. About how he’s in their shared apartment by himself. The silence is deafening. 

The absence of Ranmaru’s things stands out. Tokiya had never realized how accustomed he had gotten to sharing his things with Ranmaru. His things looked different without Ranmaru’s possessions next to them. The house seemed empty. 

**_I don’t wanna fall asleep_ **  
**_Cause I don’t know if I’ll get up_ **  
**_And I don’t wanna cause a scene_ **  
**_But I’m dyin’ without your love_ **

Tokiya had thought he was bad before. All he wanted to do was to lie on the couch and cry. To break down and shut down. He didn’t even consider the bed, because the bedroom felt too painful to even go into. 

So instead, he worked. 

He worked in a way he had never worked before, because it was the only thing he knew how to do. The only way he could try to not feel. 

That was what had gotten him here, but now it was too late. 

If he could take it back, he could. 

He felt like he was dying. He wouldn’t rest, or take breaks, because the only thing he thought about when he stopped was Ranmaru. He hadn’t seen Ranmaru at all in the days after Ranmaru had left him. 

The entire band worried about him, but Tokiya couldn’t stop. If he stopped, he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to pick himself back up and continue. 

Tokiya still loved Ranmaru. He loved Ranmaru more than anything. 

Tokiya wanted to find him, to beg Ranmaru to take him back. To promise Ranmaru that he really would change- but Tokiya wouldn’t do that to Ranmaru. 

Tokiya couldn’t, right now, even if he wanted to. 

How could he go up to Ranmaru and promise Ranmaru change when Tokiya was nothing but a walking, moving shell of himself. 

He couldn’t.

**_Begging to hear your voice_ **  
**_Tell me you love me, too_ **  
**_Cause I’d rather just be alone_ **  
**_If I know that I can’t have you._ **

When Tokiya finally relented and let himself sleep, he dreamt of Ranmaru. 

He dreamt of what he could have done. Of what he should have done. 

Of an alternate reality where he hadn’t forced Ranmaru away. He dreamt of Ranmaru, holding him tightly in their shared bed, and of hushed promises of forever. 

All Tokiya wanted was for Ranmaru to tell Tokiya that he loved him. 

He couldn’t get that satisfaction, even in his dream. Ranmaru wouldn’t say it. Tokiya would wake up and he’d stare at the wall blankly. He didn’t feel like himself. 

Tokiya had been in a relationship before Ranmaru. When it ended, he often felts pangs of things that he had missed from it. A bit of emptiness from time to time-

He didn’t feel like a part of him was missing. He didn’t feel pain. Not the way he felt now. 

He felt like he was dying. 

Weeks had passed. Tokiya was taking care of himself, but it was so robotic. He couldn’t just let himself decay. He worked an adequate amount. He ate three healthy meals a day, and he worked out, to keep himself healthy. 

He was taking care of himself the way that Ranmaru often tried to make him. 

He wasn’t emotionally okay in the slightest. He had always been so closed off that even if he wanted to talk to someone, he didn’t know who to talk to. He had kept himself so isolated and alone that he wasn’t in the position to have a heart to heart with anyone. 

He could have with Ranmaru. But that wasn’t the case anymore. 

Now that Tokiya was alone, and some time had passed, he had a few people reach out to him. Mostly girls, asking him out. 

He’d be polite, if a bit robotic, but he’d always deny. 

Tokiya would much rather stay by himself. 

It wasn’t his first choice, but how couldn’t he compare his suitors to Ranmaru? And as soon as he made the comparison, it was over. No one would ever be Ranmaru. 

Tokiya couldn’t make Ranmaru come back. It wasn’t _fine_ but it was what it was. But Tokiya would never get over Ranmaru. He’d live the rest of his life by himself if he had to. If that’s how the cards fell. 

Tokiya still hadn’t seen Ranmaru in person. 

Tokiya missed him, but he couldn’t bring himself to seek Ranmaru out. 

**_Looking at the letter that you left_ **  
**_Wondering if I’ll ever get you back._ **

_Tokiya,_

_I can’t do it anymore. I can’t watch you dig your own grave._  
_I tried to help, but you wouldn’t let me in. I still want you to be happy._  
_I want you to let other people in. You can’t handle everything by yourself._  
_My hope is that if I leave, you’ll get yourself together,_  
_and I’m leaving because I care too much about you to watch you do this to yourself._  
_I can’t stay and support this anymore._  
_I hope you get happy, Toki. Find me if you do._

_Ranmaru_

There was a chance. Tokiya didn’t miss that last line- he hadn’t missed it the first time or the fiftieth. But he was afraid. Had he changed? Not really. 

Tokiya couldn’t say that he wasn’t trying, but he couldn’t say that he was, either. It was hard. 

Who else was he going to open up to? 

Tokiya was alive. Tokiya was healthy- at least physically. 

He was taking better care of himself physically than he had in his entire life. It was the expression on his face that showed how lost he felt. How dull his eyes looked. 

Before this, Tokiya would think that the worst pain he could have experienced was a tooth pain, or a broken bone. Tokiya would rather have a heart attack than to continue suffering through the aches that stuck around in his chest anytime he thought of Ranmaru. 

He always thought of Ranmaru. 

Time was supposed to heal all wounds, but Tokiya doesn’t think that he can agree. His wounds feel as fresh as the day he came home to a letter and an empty house. 

Tokiya wonders if he’d ever be able to find Ranmaru. 

If he’d ever be able to get back with him. 

Damn, did he miss him. 

**_Dreaming about when I’ll see you next_ **  
**_Knowing that I never will forget_ **  
**_That I was being such a fool_ **  
**_Now I still don’t deserve you._ **

Tokiya’s dreams never changed. 

In every dream, it was in a better time with Ranmaru. 

In the dreams- he was better. Tokiya was careful when thinking about his dreams. He’d like to believe that he could change, if he could get another chance. But what if he couldn’t? He didn’t want to hurt Ranmaru again.

If Ranmaru would even give him another chance. 

Ranmaru had made the right decision. Tokiya was glad that he didn’t stay, if Tokiya was putting him through hell. It hurt, that Ranmaru stayed as long as he did because he cared for Tokiya, and it hurt worse knowing that Ranmaru left _because_ he cared for Tokiya. 

It would forever be one of Tokiya’s biggest regrets. 

He lost Ranmaru because he didn’t take him seriously enough. 

Because he didn’t even try to change anything. 

Tokiya wishes he had tried. Maybe he wouldn’t be as hung up on Ranmaru if he had tried and failed. 

Tokiya had done nothing. 

**_So tell me what we’re fighting for_ **  
**_Cause you know that the truth means so much more_ **  
**_Cause you would if you could don’t lie_ **

Tokiya wondered what Ranmaru thought the outcome would be. 

He did know Ranmaru. He had known him well when they were together- Tokiya knew that Ranmaru hoped that Tokiya would get better.

Tokiya had finally run into Ranmaru. 

Tokiya thought he had trouble not going to Ranmaru, but even Tokiya could read Ranmaru’s expression when he saw Tokiya. He’d stare. 

It looked like he wanted to go over to Tokiya, and it seemed like he had difficulty turning his head away. 

Tokiya would have realized something important then. 

Part of why he was afraid to approach Ranmaru was because he was worried he couldn’t change. 

Ranmaru wanted Tokiya to go to him because it would prove that he could. 

**_Cause I give everything that I’ve got left_ **  
**_To show you I mean what I have said._ **  
**_I know I was such a fool_ **  
**_But I can’t live without you._ **

Tokiya would swallow hard, watching Ranmaru. He’d clench his jaw, take a deep breath, and his face would relax, becoming solemn. Sad. 

He’d approach Ranmaru. 

“Ran?” Tokiya’s voice is soft and quiet. “Can I talk to you?”

“‘Course.” Tokiya had approached Ranmaru in the hallway between practices. It was dead, too late for STARISH and too early for Quartet Night. 

“I’m sorry.” Tokiya’s chest would constrict. His words are coming out slower than he’d like, but they’re coming. “I shouldn’t have hid things from you. I should have listened.” His voice is maybe a little desperate, but it’s honest. It’s a bit tight, too. Tokiya’s trying his best not to cry. “I’m sorry I didn’t take you seriously. I… this might sound like a lie, but I really wasn’t trying to make you leave. I really wasn’t, Ran.” His voice is almost a whisper. 

Ranmaru takes a very long moment, searching Tokiya’s face. His next words are almost careful. “How have you been, Toki?”

“I-” Tokiya looks down. Almost ashamed. “I’ve been trying. It hasn’t… been going well. I’ve…” His voice is barely audible. “I haven’t been very good, Ran. I’m sorry.”

Tokiya feels a hand on the top of his head. “We can work with that Tokiya. We can work _on_ that.”

Tokiya would look up, and his eyes are a bit shiny. “We?” His voice is careful. But it’s hopeful, too.

“I can see you’re trying.” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit quieter, too. “You were honest with me, so I’ll be honest with you. We wouldn’t be havin’ this part of the conversation if you told me that you were fine.”

It moved slowly. It made Tokiya happy, however, that Ranmaru did still seem to care for him. 

“You’re doin’ better. At least a little bit.” Ranmaru would comment, a few days after they had reconciled. “You look healthy, but your eyes are dead.”

“I had a rough time.” Tokiya’s words come out slowly. “I had a few days where I really didn’t take care of myself. And then I started getting better with eating, and balancing work, but it was… robotic. I didn’t realize just how much I needed you.” 

“I don’t like hearin’ that, but thank you for telling me.” Ranmaru would look dead serious. “I want this to work out. I wanna be here for you- but you have to promise me you’re not gonna revert, Toki. I get that you’re gonna slip, but I don’t want you to get better for a little bit and then stop. Will you let me help you this time?”

Tokiya would nod. “I will. I promise, I’ll try.”

“You’ve proven to me you can.” Ranmaru sighs, but he reaches up ruffling Tokiya’s hair. “This is for you, not me. And for your sake, I hope this works.”

Tokiya’s face would soften. He’d smile. It’s small, and barely there, but it’s a smile.

They would have started getting back into a routine a few weeks into it. Ranmaru would start spending nights at the apartment. Some of his stuff would return. Tokiya would start sleeping in the bedroom again, especially when Ranmaru made a face at the couch bed. 

It would have been a little over a month, and Tokiya would have been lying in bed with Ranmaru. It was dark, so Ranmaru wouldn't have seen how nervous Tokiya's face looked. How desperate. 

"Hey Ran?"

"Mm?" 

"...I love you."

Ranmaru's grip would tighten on Tokiya. His voice sounds just a bit more awake. 

"I love you, too."


	4. Masterpiece Theatre 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masterpiece Theatre 1 by Marianas Trench

**_First it comes on quiet, creeping slow_ **   
**_Clever words and phrases only stain_ **   
**_I remain so lost and buried under everything that I need_ **   
**_When all I want is you_ **

Tokiya had a way with words. Tokiya had always had a way with words- everything needed to come out perfectly. He could charm nearly anyone if he tried hard enough. 

But it never quite seemed to work with Ren. 

Tokiya had eyes for his fellow idol, and had been interested for quite some time. Almost for as long as Tokiya has known him. Sometimes Tokiya would try to impress Ren. To charm him. He’d think through everything he may need to say long before he’d have to say it- 

Ren would smile at him when he’d try. Tokiya didn’t like that specific smile. It was almost… sad. 

Tokiya would eventually give up on trying to win Ren over with words, but it would never stop his tone from being just a bit too polite, or having just a bit of a faux charming edge to it. 

Tokiya would bury himself in his work. He had always buried himself in his work, but the difference is that it’s harder now. No matter how busy Tokiya would keep himself, his mind would drift to Ren. It didn’t matter how much he put on his plate, he’d find his thoughts drifting back to the naturally flirtatious orange-haired man. His work would begin to feel suffocating. Tokiya started feeling alone, the more he’d long to be closer to Ren. 

Work was just no longer enough for Tokiya. 

**_I’ve been here so very long_ **   
**_And every word is calculated_ **   
**_Never questioned or debated_ **

Tokiya’s feelings wouldn’t die down, but he’d live in a state of purposeful ignorance. 

He’d ignore it. He’d ignore what it did to him- the physical reactions and the endless thoughts. He was so careful when he’d speak to Ren. 

Every conversation would be planned before it happened. From work discussions to casual passes through the hallways, Tokiya always needed to say the right thing. 

And every time Ren would give him that smile. The one made Tokiya feel like Ren could see through his act, no matter how perfectly planned it was. But Ren would never say anything about Tokiya’s scripted conversations. 

Tokiya wonders what a real conversation with Ren would be like, but he doesn’t have one. He sticks with what he knows. But when he gives scripted questions, Ren gives scripted answers. 

Tokiya felt the distance between himself and Ren. 

He’d try to ignore it, but he can’t. Not when all of his thoughts center around closing that distance. But it’s so much easier said than done. 

**_All these practiced poses_ **   
**_I could wreck it if I had to_ **   
**_But I’m the wreck so what would that do?_ **

Tokiya was by no means not a smart person. As the conversations between him and Ren progress, always in the same, almost robotic way, he knows why it isn’t working. It’s fake, and it’s structured. Whether Ren feels that he needs to follow the structure, the plan- for Tokiya’s sake or for his own, or if Ren is just waiting for Tokiya to make a more casual attempt, Tokiya does realize that this isn’t going to work. 

If he sticks to his scripted conversations, it’s only ever going to repeat. That distance that Tokiya can feel growing ever stronger will never close itself. 

If Tokiya has to, he can stop it. He can stop planning his conversations. He can stop saying the same things. 

But at what cost? 

Tokiya knows himself. Tokiya knows that he seems smart, competent and talented when he presents himself as so, but that isn’t who he really is. Not deep down. Deep down, Tokiya has to deal with the repercussions from leading an idol life from childhood, and has to deal with the knowledge that he can only be good enough when he acts like he is. Tokiya is a trainwreck. 

If Tokiya drops the act, he may close that distance between himself and Ren. But what if Ren decides that he doesn’t like the real Tokiya, and the distance remains? 

Why should Tokiya drop his defences if nothing will change?

**_My masterpiece will fall apart_ **   
**_It was over before the start._ **

It was inevitable that Tokiya would eventually take the loss. He felt more comfortable knowing how the conversation would go, and knowing that he could make Ren see only what Tokiya wanted Ren to see. But from the moment that Tokiya had fallen for Ren, he knew that he would have to make some sacrifices. 

He’d finally make his first one. 

“Ichinose.” Ren would nod in greeting. His voice was formal. Tokiya had only ever heard it be formal when Ren spoke around him. It was much less formal when Ren spoke to some of the others. 

“Jinguji.” Tokiya would nod. There would be a beat, a pause. Tokiya should ask Ren how he is. That’s always the next line. 

Ren’s response was always the same. 

Today was going well. 

“I heard you practicing the other day. How long have you been playing the saxophone?” Tokiya is tense. That hadn’t been a question that he had planned. He wondered if it sounded too stiff. Unrehearsed. 

It did sound unrehearsed to Ren, but he didn’t take it in a bad way like Tokiya did. Ren would smile. 

Ren always smiled when he talked to Tokiya. 

This one didn’t have the sad edge to it. It was a real, genuine Ren smile. 

“Years.” Ren would answer. “I’ve been playing for most of my life.”

Ren’s name would be called from further in the studio, and his head would snap up, looking around. He’d look at Tokiya, and the smile hasn’t quite faded. “I’m afraid I should go see what he needs. I’ll speak to you later, Ichi.”

Tokiya had never had Ren use a nickname to his face. He had overheard himself be labeled as Ichi, which was unsurprising because everyone had a nickname from Ren. But Ren spoke to Tokiya in the same way that he spoke to Masato- it was a last name basis when they were face to face. 

Tokiya’s play had derailed. It was over. He couldn’t quite pick it back up, because he may have lost his safety net, but he could almost feel the distance close. Just a little. 

That would have been the first time that Tokiya had asked an unscripted question, but it wouldn’t have been the last. Their conversations had become more awkward, on Tokiya’s end- but Ren was responding differently. 

When Tokiya would freeze up, Ren would lead the conversation in a different way. He wouldn’t just let Tokiya flounder. 

Tokiya was giving the conversations more effort. It felt like planning their talks would be harder, but it wasn’t. It was much harder to try to respond as Tokiya the person and not Tokiya the character. But in return for Tokiya’s extra effort, Ren was putting in more effort, too. He would keep their talks going, even when Tokiya wasn’t sure if they’d get past Tokiya’s awkward pauses, Tokiya’s shifting as he tries to think of what to say. He didn’t like ending their conversations. 

Especially now. He was beginning to learn about Ren. 

They both knew, however, that Tokiya still wasn’t a topic that was often brought up. 

If Tokiya could help it, he didn’t speak much about himself. But he did enjoy learning about Ren. Sometimes Tokiya would talk a little about himself, as a type of thank you to Ren for sharing. Usually, though, he’d only answer direct questions, should Ren ask them. Ren often tried- but Tokiya was talented in the art of leading the conversation elsewhere. 

Ren wouldn’t pull back, though. At least, not yet. 

**_If I burn out and slip away_ **   
**_If this is just a part I portray_ **

Tokiya couldn’t keep it up for very long. 

He had tried. He had really tried to keep it up- but it was so difficult. Trying to be himself wasn’t an easy task. 

He’d put the mask back on. 

When Ren would speak to him, he’d return to the scripts. He’d begin planning their conversations out again. He liked being close to Ren, but he could handle the distance. 

He could handle the sad smiles, and the last name. He didn’t have to be Toki, or even Ichi. He could just be Ichinose. 

It wasn’t as if Ren wouldn’t be in his life anymore. Tokiya would just have to settle without moving their relationship forward. 

It was a step back. But he had an act, and it made his life easier to follow it. 

When he started regressing, he expected it to go the same way that it used to. 

He was prepared for Ren’s sad smile- but he never got it. Instead, this time when Tokiya went back to his script, Ren would frown.

**_You’re beautiful, can I hide in you a while?_ **

The frown was surprisingly impactful to Tokiya. 

Did Ren actually prefer Tokiya? Or was Tokiya hoping for too much? Maybe it was only that he was taking a step back. Maybe it was because Ren viewed Tokiya as a challenge that he had cracked, and then found out that there was another lock behind that one.

Tokiya would find himself almost wanting to give in. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, giving into Ren. Letting himself drop his guard. When was the last time Tokiya had done _that_?

Tokiya wonders if Ren might even let him. Tokiya wouldn’t have to totally drop his act- just around Ren. 

That was a fantasy that Tokiya doubted would ever come true. He was good at denying himself things. Especially if he really wanted them. 

He wanted to reveal himself to Ren. 

Tokiya wouldn’t.

**_They keep mostly to themselves_ **   
**_Don’t make a sound in case they hear you_ **   
**_It only hurts me to be near you_ **

Tokiya wouldn’t have avoided Ren, per say, but Ren would see less of him. Tokiya’s self control had begun to lapse, and Tokiya’s thoughts had begun to wander. 

Tokiya wasn’t miserable. 

Or, if he was, he didn’t know it. Or wouldn’t admit it. He had grown accustomed to how things were. He was at peace with the distance between himself and everyone else. 

Ren had changed that. 

Tokiya could feel his chest ache when he was near Ren. When he spoke to Ren, and saw the sad look in his eyes as he looked at Tokiya. So instead, Tokiya would revert, and he’d go back to staying by himself. 

One day in specific he’d find himself in the bathroom, sitting awkwardly in one of the stalls. He’s hunched over himself, biting down hard on his fist. Tears would stream down his face. 

A pang of pain would shoot through his chest when he’d hear Ren’s voice. It’s so soft. So careful. 

“Toki?” It had been a long while since Tokiya had heard his nickname. Ren was the only one who would ever call him Toki- even Otoya didn’t. Most of the other boys still referred to him as Ichinose. “I know you’re in there. Are you okay?”

Tokiya wouldn’t move his hand from his mouth. 

He could feel sobs rising from his chest. 

He had to be quiet. He couldn’t let anything on. He couldn’t speak, either, lest his voice betray him. 

Tokiya wasn’t okay and deep down he knew that he wasn’t. But not being okay wasn’t an option. Tokiya had to be perfect.

Knowing that Ren was so close outside of the door almost got Tokiya to trip up. But he couldn’t. Tokiya would be quiet long enough to hear Ren sigh, and eventually, the door would open and close. 

Ren had left. 

**_Keep those tired eyes closed_ **   
**_Careful, follow my instructions_ **   
**_And I will show you self-destruction_ **

Ren would have approached Tokiya. 

“I wish that you’d talk to me again.” Ren’s voice is so quiet. 

“I do talk to you, Ren.” Tokiya’s answer is almost robotic.

“You don’t. I don’t know that you ever have. But I wish you’d at least stop trying so hard, Tokiya.” Ren would meet Tokiya’s eyes and he wouldn’t break his gaze. “I don’t know you. But I want to.”

“You don’t.” Tokiya would say, almost firmly. “Trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to know me. If we’re going to be friends, Ren, I think you’d find that you’d get along better with the me I’m trying to show you.”

“I wouldn’t. Because it isn’t you.” Ren says, with a tone of finality. “I was glad when you began opening up to me. I’ll wait as long as I need to wait, but it hurts me to see you back track like this.”

Tokiya’s lips purse. “Do you really think that you’d like who I really am?”

“I do.”

“Then close your eyes.”

Ren’s eyebrows would furrow, but he’d listen. 

“I want you to picture what I’m about to tell you.” Tokiya would close his own eyes. “Picture me back when we first met. When Hayato came into light. Now, imagine how weak I looked. How fragile, and tired, and exhausted I was. That’s how I always am. That’s how I am when I’m not pretending that I’m not like that. Now picture yourself back in that situation. How upset you were. Now imagine dealing with that every single day. You can open your eyes.” Tokiya would open his own. “I think I got my point across.”

“Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is still very quiet. He would have opened his eyes and returned his intense gaze onto Tokiya. “You don’t have that look in your eyes. The one you did when I confronted you about Hayato. I don’t think you’re okay at all. If you were really okay, you wouldn’t be trying so hard to convince everyone that you are. But I think you’re better than you were then. Then, you wouldn’t admit that you were wrong. I think you’ve gotten better, from then. But if you really feel that you’re back in that place- then the solution is the same as it was then. You need help. And I want to help you. If the price of seeing you get better is seeing you at your worst, then I would pay it. If you’re worried about my opinion on you, there’s no need to be. I can’t understand where you are right now. I don’t know that I’ve ever been that bad- but I do understand what it’s like to not like yourself.” Ren’s eyebrows would furrow. “And sometimes what you need is someone that sees you as you are. If you can’t think good things about yourself, maybe you should try letting someone else do it for you.”

“Isn’t this something I’m supposed to do by myself? Shouldn’t this be?”

“Can you?” It’s a genuine question. “I’m offering my help because I think that if you could help yourself, you would have.”

**_This masterpiece is only mine_ **   
**_Entirely guilty by design_ **

“This isn’t your responsibility Ren. I’m not your responsibility. The only person who can fix me is myself.”

“You aren’t wrong. I can’t force you to do anything, or to feel anything. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t anything that I can do. I want to support you. I’ve seen glimpses of who you are, Toki, and I liked it. I like you.”

Tokiya couldn’t tell Ren that he was lying. There’s a look in his eyes that makes Tokiya want to believe him. Tokiya wants to believe his words. 

Tokiya does this to himself. He knows it. Ren knows it. 

“Is it really that easy? It doesn’t feel like it. There must be more to it.”

“There isn’t. If you let me in, I’ll help you. I mean it.”

Tokiya would swallow hard. 

**_If this is just a part I portray_ **   
**_I don’t know how it got this way_ **

Tokiya honestly didn’t remember when he stopped showing himself. Tokiya isn’t sure that he’s ever been completely honest. 

He was nervous, to try to open up to Ren. 

He wasn’t sure if he could. 

But he would have given Ren his answer. 

“I’ll… okay. I’ll try.”


	5. Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perfect by Marianas Trench
> 
> (This is a sequel to Masterpiece Theatre 1)

**_Please sing to me_ **   
**_I can see you open up to breathe_ **   
**_Fast words make it easier on me_ **

Tokiya’s attempts were as well as he could make them. 

It had been months after he told Ren that he’d do his best to try to open up to him, and his relationship with Ren honestly had gotten a lot better. 

They were together, even. Somehow. 

Being honest with Ren was easier than being honest with anyone else, but it was still difficult. Ren was understanding- but Tokiya was less so. Tokiya couldn’t comprehend why it was so hard to tell Ren what he was thinking. It was largely in part because Tokiya was worried about being so negative. Especially now that he was with Ren- he felt like he needed to be the best version of himself that he could be. It was even harder, knowing that Ren didn’t feel the same about that.

Tokiya had been worse with talking to Ren recently. Their communication was lacking, and Tokiya felt terrible about it. He’d feel his heart pound in his chest when Ren would finally approach him about it. 

Ren wouldn’t have even started talking when Tokiya’s face would have changed. 

It had fallen, just a bit. It was scared. Guilty. Tokiya almost felt ready to cry. 

Was this it? Had Tokiya gotten bad enough that Ren was going to finally give up?

Ren’s mouth would close, pressing into a tight line, and his eyebrows would furrow. His voice is soft. “What’s that face for, honey?”

“If you’re going to break it off, please do it quickly.” Tokiya’s voice is a bit strained. “If you are… I understand, just… please don’t drag it out.”

Ren would look genuinely surprised. And then almost hurt, but that expression would leave quickly. His expression would turn sad. “Why do you think I’m going to break up with you?”

“You weren’t going to?” There’s a bit of surprise in Tokiya’s voice as well. 

“No. I’m not planning on it, either.”

“...I know I haven’t been holding up my end very well.” Tokiya says quietly. “I assumed that you’d break us off because of that.”

“I do want to talk about that.” Ren’s voice is gentle. “But if it took that little to push me to break up with you, Tokiya, I wouldn’t have asked you out in the first place.”

**_Make a point to never disappoint you_ **   
**_Somebody’s got to tell me what to do_ **

“You were doing so well.” Ren doesn’t seem like he’s trying to make Tokiya feel bad. His voice is so careful. “What happened?”

“I…” Tokiya hesitates. He begins to wring his hands, pulling at his fingers nervously. He’d still after a second, his expression looking almost like a scolded child. His voice is quiet. “I’m afraid to disappoint you. You’ve told me before that you’d rather I just be honest with you, but it’s… not easy. I’m not used to it. I’m sorry.”

“You’re not going to disappoint me, Tokiya.” Normally when Ren uses Tokiya’s full name, Tokiya feels like he’s in trouble. That’s not how this one comes across. Tokiya takes it the way that Ren meant for him to- to stress how serious Ren is when he says that. “How can I help you? How can I make it easier?”

“Tell me what to do.” Tokiya’s answer is quick. He doesn’t think it will go over well- but it’s his honest answer. 

Ren sighs. His eyebrows pull in a bit. “I can’t do that.” Ren would reach for Tokiya, and Tokiya would let Ren grab him, let Ren pull him into a tight embrace. “I can’t tell you what you should do or what you should say. But would it help if I asked you more questions? I’ve been trying not to push you, but is that what I should be doing?”

“I think it’d be easier if you pried more.” Tokiya would say. He’s relaxed in Ren grip, his arms wrapped back around Ren. “Questions would help. I can’t… I need some sort of structure. It’s not easy to just talk.” 

Ren would kiss the top of Tokiya’s head. “Then that’s what we’ll do.”

**_Just wish you would’ve seen me_ **   
**_When it used to come so easy_ **

Tokiya is leaning against Ren, curled up on the couch. Tokiya would have closed his eyes, his head against Ren’s chest. 

“I wasn’t always like this.” Tokiya would say, his voice quiet. Ren doesn’t say anything, to let Tokiya continue. “When I was younger, before any of this idol mess, I was straight forward. I was honest, or at least as honest as a little kid needed to be. I… didn’t care. And then I started training and I lost that. I learned that I needed to act a certain way, and to be seen a certain way. And now I can’t shake that. The feeling that I’m not living up to what I need to be. ...I think we would have gotten along, had you met me back then.”

“I think there’s still some of that in you.” Ren would say, almost thoughtfully. “But I’m glad you shared that with me. I know the strain of being an idol, and I can’t even imagine being thrown into this life as young as you were. But how you feel you should be… that’s something we can work on together, if you’d like. I’d be more than happy to try to show you that you _can_ give yourself more credit. I think you’re very close to who you want to be when you don’t try. When you’re not so focused on the parts of you that you don’t like, I think you miss the parts that you might.”

“I hope so.” Tokiya admits. “It’s exhausting, fighting myself all of the time. Sometimes I’d like to stop trying so hard. But I can’t seem to figure out how.”

**_I’d like to say that it’s easy to stay_ **   
**_But it’s not for me,_ **   
**_’Cause I’m barely here at all._ **

Tokiya worried constantly about what he was giving in the relationship. His ideal relationship was to be equals, growing off of each other, but he couldn’t say that he felt that’s how his relationship was. 

He felt that Ren gave him more than he gave Ren, and it did genuinely make Tokiya sad. 

Tokiya desperately wishes that he could just enjoy being in the relationship, without constantly doubting himself. On whether he even deserved this, or wondering when Ren would change his mind. Tokiya dreaded the end of their relationship, but it felt so inevitable. 

Ren would have taken Tokiya’s hand, running his thumb over the back of it. “What’s on your mind, Toki?”

Tokiya would bite down on his lip, and then he’d finally sigh. He’s not quite meeting Ren’s eyes, his eyebrows furrowed. “Honestly?” His voice is a bit quiet. “...I don’t feel like I’m giving you anything. You deserve so much more from me, for everything that you do, and I don’t feel like I’m giving it back. I… barely even feel like I’m in the relationship, I guess. If I wasn’t just taking from you, I guess I wouldn’t be.”

Ren’s expression is hard to read. Tokiya understands. Ren has opinions on everything that Tokiya tells him, but Ren is so careful to not make Tokiya feel judged. He doesn’t want Tokiya to feel bad about telling Ren his thoughts. “I love you, you know. Having you with me, having you trying so hard- that means everything to me. You can’t give me back anything if you don’t have anything to give. Not that I’m expecting anything from you- but right now, you need me. And I’m sure I’m going to need you, too.” Ren would lean forward, kissing Tokiya’s forehead. “All I ask is that you be there for me when I need you. That would be enough.”

**_Slow down now, the secrets out_ **   
**_And I swear now, everything is perfect._ **

Unfortunately, the time where Ren would need Tokiya would come quickly. 

Of course Tokiya would be there for him- and it wasn’t that Tokiya didn’t want to be. It was that he didn’t want Ren to need him, because he didn’t want bad things to happen to Ren. He didn’t want Ren to feel bad. 

Masato and Ren had problems. It was something that everyone knew, but no one really knew exactly why. The basic knowledge was that it was because of Masato’s family. Most of the boys, Tokiya included, had figured out that Ren let the rivalry happen because Masato seemed so intent on having it. Ren didn’t dislike Masato at all, but because Masato no longer treated Ren like a friend, Ren let him. 

If anything, Ren made it easier for Masato to continue, because Ren wasn’t being… well, Ren.

But after one session of bickering, Ren would have walked out. 

Tokiya would have followed. 

“Ren?” Tokiya would ask quietly, just at Ren’s elbow. 

“Not here.” Ren’s voice is tense. “Let’s go home.”

Tokiya would remain in a concerned silence until they finally had reached their home. Tokiya knew that the band didn’t expect either of them to return. Not with Ren walking out. Ren hardly got angry enough to just leave. 

But Tokiya would quickly figure out that it wasn’t anger. Because when he sees Ren’s face, though it’s just a glimpse, Ren’s eyes are shiny with tears that he’s trying to hold back. It sends a pang through Tokiya’s chest, seeing Ren like this. 

“Darling.” Tokiya’s voice has an edge to it. Concern. Tokiya didn’t often use pet names- but he knew that Ren liked them. Ren liked getting them almost as much as he liked giving them. And because Ren was upset, Tokiya was more than happy to oblige. He’d reach out, and Ren would almost hesitantly let Tokiya pull him closer. Tokiya’s voice is quiet. “What happened? Do you want to talk about it?”

Ren would bury his head in the crook of Tokiya’s neck, and he’d break. Ren would sob, so heavy that he couldn’t talk. Not for a long few moments. Tokiya would like to sit Ren down, but he wouldn’t move yet. Not until Ren was ready. He’d just hold tightly onto Ren, one of his hands rubbing Ren’s back comfortingly. 

When Ren’s tears had slowed, Tokiya would pull back, to lead Ren to the couch. Ren’s face is tired, and his eyes and nose are red. He’d let Tokiya lead him, but when Tokiya doesn’t sit down with him- planning to get tissues, Ren would have reached out, not letting Tokiya go. Tokiya’s hand would settle over Ren’s. His voice is gentle. 

“I’m just going to go get you a box of tissues. I’ll be back before you know it.” 

Ren would sniffle a bit, very hesitantly letting go of Tokiya. There was a heavy feeling in Tokiya’s chest. 

More than anything he wanted to see Ren smile. 

But for right now, the only thing that Tokiya could do was to go get the tissues and then come back to try to make Ren feel better. Tokiya would grab a box from the closet, but he’d also stop by the fridge to grab a bottle of water. Tokiya would make his way back to the couch, setting down the water and offering the box to Ren. Ren would reach past the box, to Tokiya. Tokiya’s face would soften. He’d sit on the couch, but would set the box in Ren’s lap. 

Tokiya waits for just a second. When Ren doesn’t wrap his arms around Tokiya, Tokiya takes the hint to wrap his arms around Ren, pulling Ren closer to himself. Ren relaxes, just a bit, against Tokiya, his head on Tokiya’s shoulder. Tokiya would rest his chin on the top of Ren’s head, just holding him. 

“I think Masa might really hate me.” Ren’s voice is hoarse from crying. “I didn’t think he was really serious. I thought he was just worried about his family’s reaction, but I don’t know anymore.”

“Was your fight that bad?” Tokiya is going to try to make Ren feel better, but he needs to know that he won’t contradict anything. Just in case Masato said something bad. Something Tokiya wouldn’t have expected him to say. 

“I didn’t even play along today.” Ren’s voice sounds miserable. “I didn’t want to fight him. He was… harsh today. I asked him. I asked him to wait. To not do this today, and he told me that he didn’t care. ...He was angry that I wasn’t taking rehearsal seriously enough. He told me that I was trying to mess him up. By the time I left he told me that he’d rather I just leave him alone if it’s not strictly work related. It wasn’t… it wasn’t just what he said. It was the way he said it. I can’t remember the last time he seemed so… cold.”

Ren _had_ seemed off all day. When Tokiya had asked him earlier, Ren had brushed him off, insisting that he was just tired, but that he was fine. 

Masato had seemed to be having an off day, too. He did seem to be in a snappy mood that day. Apparently he had taken it out on Ren. 

Tokiya would push aside his own opinions on the subject. They wouldn’t help Ren right now. 

“That wasn’t right of him to tell you.” Tokiya says quietly. “But I genuinely don’t think that he meant that, Ren. I think he was upset today, and I think he took that out on you. You didn’t deserve it. I don’t know Masato the way that you know him, but I don’t think he hates you, darling. If it’s upsetting you this much, I think you should give him some time and then talk to him. I’m nearly positive you’ll find that he didn’t quite mean everything he said. He doesn’t seem like a cruel person.”

Ren’s hand would curl into a loose fist, holding onto Tokiya’s shirt. He’d nod against Tokiya’s shoulder. “Alright.” 

Tokiya would stay quiet, and Ren would be quiet, too. When Tokiya glances back down at Ren’s face, some time later, he’d notice that Ren had fallen asleep. Tokiya would try to lie him down on the couch, but he’d stir, making a noise in the back of his throat, trying to hold onto Tokiya, and Tokiya would stop trying to separate himself, settling into the couch instead. 

Tokiya wouldn’t fall asleep. He wouldn’t be able to. He’d just sit back until eventually Ren would stir, rubbing at his eyes. Tokiya would run his fingers through Ren’s hair. Tokiya was cramping a bit, and his arm was asleep, but it wasn’t a big deal. 

“I’m sorry.” Ren would mumble tiredly. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“It isn’t a problem at all, Ren. If you’re still tired, we could move to the bed.”

“I shouldn’t fall back asleep.” Ren would push himself up, though he doesn’t necessarily seem like he wants to. There’s a strange look starting to form on Ren’s face. 

Tokiya recognizes it. It’s one he often wears. Guilt.

“What’s wrong?” Tokiya’s arm would raise, his thumb running along Ren’s cheekbone. 

“Are you alright? I… know that was a lot to throw on you.”

“I’m fine, Ren. I’m just worried about you right now.”

“Can you handle this right now?” Ren’s voice is soft but serious. 

Tokiya would kiss his forehead. “I can. I appreciate how strong you always are for me. Let me be strong for you.”

**_What you want, what you need has been killing me_ **   
**_Tryna be everything that you want me to be_ **   
**_I’ll say yes, I’ll undress, I’ll do more for less_ **   
**_Now I’ll change everything until it’s perfect again_ **

Tokiya had tried. Tokiya had tried so hard. 

What Tokiya couldn’t wrap his head around was that he’d have moments of weakness. Tokiya couldn’t accept that those moments didn’t destroy everything he worked up to. That they were separate, and they weren’t ruining his progress that he was making. 

Tokiya wanted to just be good. 

He had been very good, for a while. He had genuinely barely thought about himself while he was helping Ren with Masato. 

He was relieved that the situation worked out- it took a few days, but Masato did apologize. Ren had acted off until Masato had, but he had started acting better as early as that night after Masato had admitted that he was wrong for what he said to Ren. 

Ren had thanked Tokiya that night, too. He told Tokiya that he had really needed him during that situation and was appreciative that Tokiya was there for him. 

Unfortunately the time would come, too quickly for Tokiya’s liking, where he’d be the one needing Ren. 

Tokiya was tired. Tokiya was tired of being honest. 

It was so obvious on his face. 

“Toki, what’s wrong?” 

It was too much to hope that Ren wouldn’t ask him that question. 

“I’m tired, Ren. I’m sick of the questions, of thinking about the answers. I don’t want to be honest. Why does it matter if I am? My dishonesty isn’t hurting you. I’m not lying for a bad reason, even. What is learning about me doing for you other than helping you to join in on my misery? Or pity me? You’re trying to fix me Ren, but what has that done? I’m still here. I’m still not better. For every step forward it’s another two steps back.” Tokiya is frustrated. He realizes, too late, that he’s starting to take it out on Ren.

Ren’s face is hurt. More than that, it’s worried, but Tokiya fixates on the hurt. “Toki-” His tone is so soft, but Tokiya is beginning to feel horrified at himself. 

He doesn’t want to ruin this. That wasn’t the point. “I’m sorry. I’m- I should go. I’m sorry.” Tokiya would slip away before Ren could stop him. He didn’t want to stick around and have Ren make him feel better. Not after he just snapped at Ren. 

Tokiya wouldn’t leave the house. That would worry Ren, and Ren would likely follow him. Ren followed him all the way until the point where Tokiya would have closed the bathroom door, and even then, Ren would knock on the door. “Tokiya, please let me in.”

“I can’t talk right now, Ren. Please.” Tokiya’s voice would break. Ren actually wouldn’t respond, but Tokiya hears Ren slide down the door, sitting on the other side of it. After a second of hesitation, Tokiya sits against the door, too. 

It would be a long while before Tokiya would leave the bathroom. He would cry, softly and silently, holding his shirt against his mouth to keep himself quiet. He’s reminded of before he and Ren got together, when he cried in the corner of the bathroom stall. This time, though, Ren stays. 

Finally, Tokiya pulls himself together. He’d wash off his face, and look in the mirror. He still looks rough, so he tries to get himself together. 

Tokiya’s mind was starting to wander, into what he was going to do next. He’d raise his shirt, staring at his body in the mirror. He worked himself less than he had before- he wasn’t disgusting, but he wasn’t in as good as a shape as he had been before. ...He imagined Ren might disagree. Previously, he had been able to see his ribs. 

Ren had never seen Tokiya naked. 

Tokiya wondered if he’d be disappointed. 

Tokiya would lower his shirt. He didn’t have a lot of ways to solve problems, but he was going to do his best. 

He would knock softly on the door, and his voice is quiet. “If you’re still out there, Ren, I’m going to open the door.”

He’s almost surprised to hear Ren shift. He waits a second and then he unlocks and opens the bathroom door. Ren is standing outside of it, looking at Tokiya. He seems worried. 

“I’m alright now, Ren.” 

“Are you sure?”

“I am.” Tokiya is gripping onto the bottom of his shirt. He’d move forward, at first pulling Ren into a hug. “I’m sorry. I took it out on you and I’m sorry.” Tokiya’s hand would have moved to Ren’s cheek, and he would have pressed his lips against Ren’s. 

Ren seems surprised. He kisses back, but it’s not the same way Tokiya is kissing him. 

Tokiya doesn’t know what he feels. Of course, he loves Ren. He’d be happy to sleep with Ren- but he feels like he needs to right now. 

It doesn’t make him feel _good_ , but his kiss is conveying his ideas. One of his hands has left Ren, a bit awkwardly clutching onto the bottom of his shirt. Ren’s kiss was softer. 

He was kissing Tokiya to not make him feel rejected when he’d pull away from Tokiya, holding him back.

“Toki, I love you but this isn’t the asnwer.”

“I’m…” Ren had misunderstood. The look on Tokiya’s face was unreadable. His voice would get quiet. “I was doing this for you.” He’d admit. 

“What?” Ren would blink, confused. “Why?”

“I don’t know how else to remedy this. I… this is the best way to do that. I just want to make it up to you.”

Ren’s face changes. It becomes almost horrified, and his voice comes out quickly. He grabs Tokiya, and he holds him closely.

“No, Tokiya, please. Don’t ever think that you have to do that. You told me you were sorry and I know that you mean it, and that’s more than enough.”

“I don’t… I don’t want you to leave.” Tokiya’s lip would tremble. “I was hoping this would make you want to stay. I’m… I know I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth sometimes. I thought if I could do this for you it might… even the odds.” 

Ren’s grip tightens more. It’s not painful, but it’s incredibly tight. Tokiya wouldn’t be able to pull away, even if he were to try. 

But Tokiya isn’t done. He’d continue. “It worked. I’ve done it before… I… I’m sorry. I hoped it’d work again- It wasn’t… I’m not trying to say anything about you I just- I can’t lose you. And I don’t want you staying only because you’re worried about me. I don’t want you to be unhappy, I just thought that I could offer this. To offer something to you, that was more… accessible, than just me being there for you. You’re… not me. You don’t seem to have nearly the amount of problems I have and it seems… off-kilter.”

“Oh, baby.” Ren would sigh. “I would never ask this of you. I don’t want you to feel like you have to give me anything- especially not your body. I would love to sleep with you, but not like this. Not because you feel like you should. I want to be here for you because I love you. I’m not unhappy with you, and I’m not with you because I pity you. I wish that you would give yourself more credit, Toki. You’re doing so well. And if you have a day where you feel like you want me to stop asking you questions, or you want me to just give you some time, you can tell me. I understand that this is difficult for you. And I know you feel bad when you get like this, but I hope you remember that you aren’t always like this, honey. You don’t always feel this terrible. I’ve seen you be genuinely happy before, and I’ve seen moments where your thoughts are quiet, and you look better. And when I first approached you about this, your eyes were so much more dull than they are even now. It doesn’t feel like you’re making progress when you feel this bad, but you are.” Ren would pull back just enough to kiss the top of Tokiya’s head. “You’re doing so well. You can have off days and still be doing well, you know.”

“I just want to be perfect for you.” Tokiya’s voice would break. 

“To me, you already are.” 

**_Comin’ down, comin’ around_ **   
**_Giving a frown to the sound when I hit the ground_ **   
**_Hate the way that I say I should stay_ **   
**_When I know that I don’t give a fuck about it anyway_ **

Tokiya had given up. 

At least at this point he had a reason for it. He was reached out to by his old company. The Hayato thing had never reached the public, it was just known that Hayato had taken a break, and it was still believed that Tokiya Ichinose was just Hayato’s twin. Only because Tokiya hadn’t been entirely unheard of before Hayato had dropped out. 

They had begged him to come back. They must have not been doing as well as they had been with Hayato- Hayato had been huge. But he had also been manufactured and overworked. 

Tokiya knew that he had hit rock bottom when he told them that he’d consider it. Because Tokiya felt _guilty_. Horribly, terribly guilty because they way they had put it, the agent he had spoken to, it was Tokiya’s fault that they weren’t doing as well. Tokiya had left them. Tokiya had been there first, before he joined Saotome’s company. 

Deep down Tokiya knew that Shining treated him much better than they ever had, and that if he owes anyone, it is definitely Saotome. But he would have gotten off the phone, robotically excused himself from the room he was in with Otoya and Cecil and would have found himself a corner where he wouldn’t be found, and sink down the wall. 

His face is in a deep frown. He feels empty, thrown back into his earlier years of being an idol. Tokiya hated himself for the fact that he was considering going back. 

He would never leave Shining’s Academy. If he felt he owed his other company anything, then he definitely would owe Shining. But maybe he could talk to Shining and he could work out some time where he’d just be Tokiya _and_ Hayato.

Ren wouldn’t be happy. 

But if it were only for a short period of time. 

The healthier part of Tokiya realizes how stupid he’s being. How comparatively miserable he was, when he was Hayato as opposed to now. Because he was encouraged to be unhealthy in emotional aspects and too healthy in physical. Tokiya didn’t know, at first, that there was a way to be too healthy, but looking back, he was working his own body so hard in a feeble attempt to take care of it that he really wasn’t. He was destroying himself. He knows that now. 

Would he just return to the same habits? He might find out. 

He’d push himself up, making his way to Shining’s office. He feels nervous, like a child about to tell their parent bad news. 

He’d run into Ren before he ran into Shining. This was probably for the best. Ren wouldn’t be happy if he found out that Hayato had returned and it hadn’t been from Tokiya. He probably wasn’t going to be happy when _Tokiya_ told him. 

Ren would have smiled at Tokiya, but it would have faded as he watched Tokiya’s face. Tokiya didn’t think that he looked that bad- but it must have been his eyes. Ren was good at reading Tokiya. 

“Come with me for a moment, Toki.” Ren would murmur, and he’d turn. Tokiya would follow, and after a quick glance around them to make sure no one was watching, Ren would have pulled Tokiya into a room. It’s a cleaning closet. “Did something happen?” Ren’s voice would drop a bit, but his expression is fully concerned. 

“I got a call from my last agency. They want Hayato to do a few jobs. I was going to ask Shining for permission.” Tokiya’s voice _isThis is what he was taught from his previous company._

“I have to.” Tokiya echoes. He brings his hand up, resting it lightly over Ren’s. “It’s just a few jobs.” He repeats. “Nothing will happen.”

“You aren’t going to give this up, are you?” Ren sounds almost sad. 

Tokiya shakes his head, no. He’s not. He feels it deep down that he should, but he won’t. He knows himself this well. 

“I’ll walk you to Shining’s door.” Ren’s voice sounds tense. He’d pull his hand back, and Tokiya would grab onto his wrist. 

“I’m sorry, Ren.”

“I know this is hard for you.” Ren’s voice hasn’t quite lost its edge. It’s the opposite way this time. His face is soft but his voice is hard. “I want to stop you, but I can’t. I know that. I’ll just have to do my best to make sure you’re safe.”

Tokiya does feel guilt. But he’d feel guilt no matter what. He’d stop at Shining’s door, Ren beside him, but when he knocks and gets the ‘go ahead’ he goes in alone. 

Shining was not easily sold, but Tokiya had convinced him. He promised that his main concern was this Agency and that this was a side gig. He would be completely Hayato and not Tokiya, and the two wouldn’t cross over. 

By the time he left he had gotten permission. Ren didn’t seem thrilled, but he wouldn’t speak. Withholding his opinion from Tokiya for Tokiya’s sake.

**_Shake hands and shoot smiles all around_ **   
**_As I sell my body by the pounds_ **   
**_Sign my name on the dotted line,_ **   
**_It would be fate, do not resuscitate_ **

It should only have been a few jobs. 

Now they had Hayato on a short tour. Tokiya was getting naps, and the largest meal he was eating would be a side salad at best. He could see his ribs again. 

Ren hated it. But Tokiya was only ever home long enough for Ren to try to talk to him about it, and usually Tokiya could push that off because he came in so late that he was asleep the moment he hit the bed, and Ren didn’t have the heart to wake him up. He was gone before Ren was up again.

He loved his job with Shining, because it was so much easier to be less smiley and only polite. Not always happy, always bright and joyful Hayato. Tokiya liked being Tokiya. He had forgotten that. 

Ren would have finally caught Tokiya in their house, because Ren had stayed awake. It wasn’t actually for Tokiya. It was because he was trying to get a project done, and he had finished a half an hour before Tokiya was supposed to get home, and Ren decided to stay up. And then after the half an hour turned into an hour, Ren stayed up to make sure Tokiya made it home. A half an hour after that, the door would open. Tokiya would look absolutely exhausted, to the point where he would walk past Ren to the bedroom, not because he wanted to avoid Ren but because he hadn’t even _seen_ Ren sitting there.

“Toki.” Ren’s voice is very stern, and he’d stand to grab Tokiya’s arm. Tokiya would jump at first, and Ren’s worried yet stern expression would change into a completely concerned one when he saw Tokiya’s face. 

Tokiya’s eyes are teary. They weren’t when he walked in, but it would be a second of wide-eyed silence… and then Tokiya would break. Tokiya would sob, like a child. 

“Toki.” Ren would repeat, but this time it’s different. It’s softer, it’s worried, and it’s sad. He would pull Tokiya closer. “Come here, baby.” 

Tokiya would sob for a long few moments. Ren wouldn’t even need to ask exactly what Tokiya was upset about, because Tokiya would tell Ren between sobs.

“I’m so tired. I don’t want to do this anymore, but I don’t know how to leave. It wasn’t supposed to turn into this.”

Ren would rub Tokiya’s back. “I’m going to help you, honey. I promise. Let’s just get you to bed right now.”

“I have to get up in two hours.” Tokiya says miserably. 

“This will be one of the last times, Toki. Just make it a few more days.”

Tokiya would go in the next day, smiles and meet and greets and performing with the energy that he didn’t even have. 

He wasn’t even his own person anymore. He didn’t look the way he wanted. He didn’t dress the way that he wanted, or act the way that he wanted. 

After being himself for so long, it was so difficult to not be himself at all. Especially not when he felt sick and tired and oh so exhausted all of the time. 

The very next day he’d be called from practice with STARISH to meet with Shining. Shining would almost immediately push a paper in Tokiya’s direction, turning it as he slid it across the table. He’d set down a pen. 

Shining would tell him to read it. That it’s a contract. 

Tokiya would read it. It was a contract that would bind Tokiya to work for Shining Agency and no other Agency. It lasted for four years. 

Tokiya was in his twenties, and he did love being an idol. He surely would be working for at least four more years. 

Tokiya looks up at Shining, and his eyebrows furrow. 

“I would sign this if I could- but unfortunately the other Agency is still using me at the moment.”

Tokiya sounded like an object. At this point, he felt like one. Like a toy, shared between two children. 

Shining would tell Tokiya that if Tokiya wanted to sign with his Agency, he’d take care of Hayato, and he’d personally take care of the other Agency. 

Tokiya is hesitant, but he’d sign the contract.

It felt a bit like a DNR. When Hayato died this time, he wouldn’t be coming back.

**_I think it’s better this way._ **   
**_This is good in a better way_ **   
**_It’s better this way_ **

The look of relief on Ren’s face when Tokiya had come home that afternoon was a look that Tokiya wasn’t sure he’d ever seen. Well, maybe that time when Masato apologized to Ren. 

“Were you the one that spoke to Shining?” Tokiya would ask. It was a miracle he was standing right now. 

“I was.” 

Tokiya would swallow hard, and he’d nod. Shining had told him to go home. He told him to ignore calls from the Agency Hayato was from and he would have told Tokiya that it was an order. Tokiya felt terrible, just not showing up, but he felt terrible showing up, too. And he still believed, even further now, that he owed Shining much more than he owed them. “Thank you, Ren.”

Ren would walk up to Tokiya, wrapping his arms around Tokiya. “Are you alright?”

“Not really.” Tokiya would close his eyes. “I feel horrible. I feel like I’ve been killing myself for the months I’ve been doing this. I’m tired, I feel like I’ve been sick for weeks and I’m always shaky.” Speaking of shaky, Tokiya’s voice was coming out unsteady. “But I think the contract is a good thing.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet, but it’s honest. “I… think it’s for the best.”

Ren’s hand would move up into Tokiya’s hair. “I think so, too. And I’m glad that you agree. But let’s lay down.”

“It’s two in the afternoon.”

“And you said you were tired, and it’s been so long since we’ve shared a bed for longer than a few hours. I’d be more than happy to lie down with you. When you get up, I’ll cook you a meal.” Ren would kiss Tokiya’s forehead. 

“Did… You went through this before. Did I disappoint you again? With Hayato?”

Ren looks sad. “No honey. Not this time. I wish you hadn’t done this, but you told me. And you told me when you couldn’t take it anymore. You let me help and you took it.” Ren would press his lips lightly to Tokiya’s. “I’m not disappointed.”

“I love you, Ren.” Tokiya’s voice breaks a bit. 

“And I am absolutely enamored by you, Toki. Forever and always.”


	6. Strong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song is Strong by One Direction

**_My hands, your hands_ **  
**_Tied up like two ships_ **

Ranmaru and Tokiya were sitting on the couch. Ranmaru has his feet up on the coffee table and a magazine in his lap. He’s flipping through it with one hand. Tokiya is doing the same, but with a book. 

In between them, lying on the couch, are their hands, fingers interlaced. 

It was calm. Nice. Like they were existing separately and together all at the same time. 

These moments were Ranmaru’s favorite. He and Tokiya had been together for a while, and neither of them were usually over affectionate, so this was perfect for both of them. 

**_Drifting, weightless_ **  
**_Waves try to break it_ **

The love rule hadn’t been in place for a while, which was just fine for Ranmaru and Tokiya- they had been together while it was still in place. Now, they didn’t have to be quite as secretive about it. Not as careful. 

Tokiya had told Ranmaru before what his opinion on holding hands was- and that was that it was an intimate gesture. 

“It may sound silly, but think about it. You’re giving up use of your hand to connect yourself to another person.” 

Ranmaru naturally assumed that would have meant that Tokiya didn’t like hand holding- but immediately after Tokiya would have told Ranmaru his opinion, he would have offered Ranmaru his hand. Ranmaru would have given an amused scoff, but would have taken Tokiya’s hand, holding it tightly. Tokiya would have smiled, resting his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder. 

“It certainly still feels intimate, but I think I like it, when it’s with you.” He’d murmur. A corner of Ranmaru’s mouth would have lifted. A very slight smile.

Sometimes they’d get looks. Ranmaru wasn’t a big PDA kind of person, and Tokiya wasn’t really, either, but Ranmaru liked holding Tokiya’s hand in public. It was his own way of letting people know that Tokiya was his. Tokiya knew that was why Ranmaru did it, but Tokiya never pulled his hand away. It never stopped him from grabbing Ranmaru’s hand, in the few times that Ranmaru didn’t grab Tokiya’s.

The looks they’d get were often judgemental. Ranmaru had an easier time than Tokiya ignoring them, but often when he’d see that Tokiya was thinking about them, Ranmaru would ruffle Tokiya’s hair. “Hey. Ignore ‘em. They don’t know anythin’ about us. We’re the only ones that need to worry about us.”

Tokiya would nod. “You’re right.” Tokiya’s voice would be quiet, but it would be honest.

**_I’d do anything to save it_ **  
**_Why is it so hard to say it?_ **

Sometimes being with Tokiya was difficult. 

It didn’t come easy to Tokiya to speak what was on his mind, but it was often serious. Tokiya would swear up and down the wall that it wasn’t, but it was always about Tokiya and how Tokiya was doing- and Ranmaru couldn’t seem to convince him that Tokiya _was_ a serious topic. Ranmaru had put up with Tokiya more than he’d put up with anyone else-

But that was largely because Ranmaru got it. He wasn’t really as bad as Tokiya, but he understood why you’d keep your feelings secret. The problem with Tokiya was that he was so fuckin’ obvious to Ranmaru. If they weren’t together, Tokiya would probably get away with it. But they were, and Ranmaru just wished Tokiya would talk to him more. 

Ranmaru really, really didn’t want to end anything with Tokiya. He loved him. Sometimes he felt like he got close, but they’d always somehow manage to come back from all the bickering they’d get into. 

It was because neither of them wanted to end it. 

They both fought for it. But sometimes only one of them could at a time. 

That wasn’t what was going on right now, thank god. This time it wasn’t Tokiya who was tongue tied. 

“Ran, what’s on your mind?” Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow. 

Ranmaru often pulled that on Tokiya. He’d pause for too long, and Tokiya would just wait. Ranmaru was thinking about a lot. He usually didn’t have issues just saying things- but this was… softer. Embarrassing, but at the same time not. That was confusing. Ranmaru would sigh.

**_My heart, your heart_ **  
**_Sit tight like bookends_ **  
**_Pages between us_ **  
**_Written with no end_ **

That night, Ranmaru had avoided it. He had kissed Tokiya’s forehead, promised it was nothing but sleep deprivation, and had gone to take a nap. 

It didn’t make Ranmaru proud. But it was surprisingly difficult to talk about all of the sappy shit in his head. He almost wishes that it was something wrong with him. That, he could probably talk about. 

He loved Tokiya. He loved Tokiya in a way he had never loved anyone else before. He had girlfriends before, but compared to Tokiya, he isn’t even sure he _liked_ them. 

Ranmaru didn’t necessarily worry about if he and Tokiya were going to end, because that wasn’t really the kind of person he was- but he did sure as hell hope that they’d last. 

Ranmaru was the reason that Tokiya hadn’t run out of new reading material. Tokiya hadn’t bought a book for himself in over a year, because Ranmaru was good at picking out books that Tokiya would like, and giving them to Tokiya just before he finished the last book Ranmaru had gotten him. Of course Tokiya would thank Ranmaru- but Ranmaru could tell that the appreciation ran deeper. 

Just like Ranmaru truly appreciated it when he had found Tokiya’s secret guitar pick stash. Ranmaru often would lose or break his picks, and he’d often resort to playing with his fingers until he remembered to get more, but he much preferred having a pick. Somehow, everytime his pick would disappear or snap, he’d find another one in the tin matchcase he kept for them. Tokiya had bought quite a few and had hidden them, to replace them for Ranmaru. Just thinking about it gave Ranmaru a warm feeling in his chest.

**_So many words we’re not saying_ **  
**_Don’t want to wait ‘til it’s gone_ **  
**_You make me strong._ **

Ranmaru had gotten quiet, lost in these kinds of thoughts. 

Tokiya would have gotten quieter, too. 

Ranmaru was starting to realize that he’d just need to tell Tokiya what he was thinking, because he didn’t want Tokiya thinking that Ranmaru was pushing Tokiya away. 

“Hey, Toki?” Ranmaru would have been sitting on the couch. Tokiya would be reading a book, Ranmaru would be staring at the TV. Their hands are interlaced, on the couch between them. 

“Hmm?” Tokiya would look up from his book.

**_I’m sorry if I say “I need you”_ **  
**_But I don’t care,_ **  
**_I’m not scared of love_ **  
**_’Cause when I’m not with you I’m weaker_ **  
**_Is that so wrong?_ **  
**_Is it so wrong_ **  
**_That you make me strong_ **

Ranmaru would click the TV off. He wouldn’t let go of Tokiya’s hand, but he’d turn on the couch. Tokiya would look nervous, and Ranmaru knows that his face seems too stern, too serious. 

Tokiya would close his book, not even marking his page, looking at Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru's look is intense but he won't look away from Tokiya's eyes, even as he struggles to get his words together as well as he can in his head.

“This is gonna sound sappy. 'M sorry if it sounds really fuckin' cheesy but... I wanted 't remind you that I need you, Tokiya. I’m head over heels in fuckin’ love with you, and without you I’d be a lot weaker than I am. I guess what I’m tryin’ to tell you is that you make me stronger. ...So thanks.”

Tokiya’s expression softens. He pulls his hand away from Ranmaru’s, to set both of his hands on Ranmaru’s cheeks. Tokiya moves so that one knee is set on the couch, the other foot on the ground. He’d lean in to press his lips to Ranmaru’s in an adoring kiss, and then he’d pull away, just enough to look Ranmaru in the eyes. “I love you, too, Ran. More than anything.”

**_Think of how much_ **  
**_Love that’s been wasted_ **  
**_People always_ **  
**_Tryin’ to escape it_ ** _  
**_Move on to stop their hearts breaking_ **  
**_But there’s nothing I’m running from_ **  
**_You make me strong_ ** _

_Tokiya’s hand is held tight in Ranmaru’s, but Tokiya’s otherwise a bit distant. They’re out in public, seated in a booth. They normally sat on the same side. They always had, since the start of their relationship and sometimes even before that. It was nice to be face to face, but it was nicer having Tokiya right next to him._

_Because of how they’re seated, they both get quite the view of the drama going down only a few seats away._

_It was a couple. Tokiya and Ranmaru weren’t close enough to hear what they were saying, but it was clearly a breakup. What would have even gotten Ranmaru about it was that neither one was making a large deal out of it. The girl was crying, but it seemed as if she was also the one who had broken it off._

_Tokiya would have been quiet after they had gotten their food. He’s staring down into it, his eyebrows furrowed, just slightly._

_“Ran?” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. If Ranmaru hadn’t been alerted before, he would have been now._

_“What’s up?”_

_“Do you think that’s how we’re going to end up?” Tokiya’s eyes would glance at the table. Both parties are gone, but Ranmaru still gets what he means._

_“No.” Ranmaru’s jaw would set, but only for a second. He’d calm himself down quickly, and his answer would be almost casual. “I love you. ‘S long as you feel the same, I don’t see why we’d break up. There’s no use worryin’ about it. It’s only a problem if we make it one. And I don’t know ‘bout you, but I’m not planning to make it a problem.”_

_Tokiya’s eyes would soften, just a bit, and then he’d glance away. But there’s a slight, teary smile on his face. He’d nod, and he’d swallow hard, trying to make his voice just as casual as Ranmaru’s. “You’re right. I don’t want to make it a problem either.” Tokiya would set down his fork for just a second to squeeze Ranmaru’s hand, and Ranmaru would turn his hand so he could squeeze back because Tokiya would return his hand to his fork. “I love you, too.”_

_**_So, baby, hold onto my heart_**  
**_Need you to keep me from falling apart_**  
Ranmaru hardly ever cried. It just wasn’t something he often did. But that day had been too much. _

_Information about him, and his family, had been leaked. Information about his dad’s debts._

_Hate didn’t usually affect him, but there was only so much he could take- and being told that he was a failure and knowing that they were _right_ was hard to handle. _

_He’d sit on the bed, put his head in his hands, and sob._

_Ranmaru doesn’t even try to hide it when Tokiya walks in. Tokiya must have seen some of what Ranmaru had, because his face is cautious and worried before he even sees Ranmaru._

_Ranmaru feels Tokiya’s arms wrap around him, and he doesn’t fight Tokiya. He actually goes with Tokiya, and lets Tokiya hold him. Ranmaru would have never believed himself capable of openly letting himself be _this_ vulnerable, but it was Tokiya. He obviously didn’t want to feel like this at all, but he not only was going to _let_ Tokiya comfort him, he found himself wanting Tokiya to. _

_One of Tokiya’s arms wraps tightly around Ranmaru, and the other raises to settle in his hair, petting through it as well as he can without pulling Ranmaru’s gelled hair._

_Tokiya was quiet, but Ranmaru could quickly tell why. Tokiya seemed furious._

_Ranmaru knew why, and it meant more to him then he’d expect. Tokiya is livid at the person who had released this information. At the people who attacked him for it._

_Tokiya wasn’t easily thrown into rage. Ranmaru had rarely seen him as angry as he was right now, but it was for Ranmaru. And through all of this- he can’t help but love Tokiya, even stronger than he already does._

_Tokiya would hold Ranmaru for a long time._

_“I honestly have no clue where I’d be without you, Toki.” Ranmaru admits. “That’s… probably some of the softest shit I’ve ever said, but I mean it.” His voice is gruff, not quite matching his words._

_Tokiya’s hand would move into Ranmaru’s hair, brushing it back, moving his bangs away from his face. Tokiya is wearing a soft, fond expression. “You mean the world to me, Ran. I know you aren’t used to being… soft.” There’s a ghost of a smile on Tokiya’s lips. “But I appreciate it. I love you, Ran. More than anything.”_

_“I love you, too, Toki.”_

_**_I’ll always hold on_ **  
**_’Cause you make me strong_ ** _

_Ranmaru never thought he’d get married. He always assumed that he’d be fine alone. Even being in a _relationship_ with Tokiya was a bit surprising. _

_And yet here he was, standing at the alter with Tokiya in front of him._

_Tokiya’s expression would make Ranmaru’s expression soft. Tokiya’s eyes were shiny with tears, and his smile was small but seemed like he was restraining himself._

_But he was clearly happy. And Ranmaru was too._

_Tokiya had already promised to live his life with Ranmaru._

_“And do you, Ranmaru Kurosaki, take Tokiya Ichinose to be your lawfully wedded husband?”_

_Ranmaru would smile at Tokiya. A real, genuine smile. The kind that Ranmaru didn’t often show to anyone. Even Tokiya didn’t often see it._

_Ranmaru never expected this answer to come so easily, but it did._

_“I do.”_


	7. Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song by Maroon 5

**Cold enough to chill my bones**   
**It feels like I don’t know you anymore**   
**I don’t understand why you’re so cold to me**   
**With every breath you breathe**

Tokiya had bad moods. That was really obvious to Ranmaru, especially after a year of dating the idol. But this time it was different. 

It started with something fairly easy, and it definitely didn’t call for the attitude that Tokiya had shot back with. 

“Will you hand me that pic?” Ranmaru would nod towards the matchbox on the table. It was open, with only a single guitar pic inside. 

“Sure.” It wasn’t the answer that would make Ranmaru look at Tokiya, but the tone. It was icy. Ranmaru’s eyes would narrow, and Tokiya would close his book, a bit stiffly, and he’d lean over, picking up the pic and handing it over to Ranmaru with it in between his index and middle finger. Tokiya’s face was closed off. Almost like when Ranmaru first met him. 

“What?” Ranmaru’s eyes are still narrowed. He’d take the pic, but he doesn’t use it, staring at Tokiya. 

“What?” Tokiya would repeat, his voice almost making the situation sound like an inconvenience

“Your attitude.” Ranmaru would say flatly. “What’s the deal with that?”

Tokiya’s lips would press together in a thin line. “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Like hell you don’t. What’s goin’ on? You have a bad day or somethin’?” 

“I don’t have a problem. Maybe you’re trying to make one.”

“That’s bullshit and we both know it.”

Tokiya’s face would close off once more, and he’d stand from the couch, taking his book with him. “I’m going to go read in the room.”

Ranmaru would watch him with narrowed eyes as Tokiya had went off the room. For a second, he’s tempted to follow him, but he knows it’s just going to end in a fight. 

Unfortunately, it kept happening. 

“What d’ya want for dinner?”

“Why would I care what we eat?”

“I’m gonna be comin’ home a ‘lil late.”

“It’s _your_ schedule and _your_ life. Not mine.”

Hell, they even fought over _why_ they were fighting. 

“I’m tryin’ real fuckin’ hard here, Tokiya. Why won’t you fucking talk to me?” After so long of the cold shoulder, Ranmaru was getting extremely frustrated. 

“Then maybe you should _stop_ trying so hard. It’s much easier to just mind your business.” Tokiya would snap. 

Ranmaru would leave. He wouldn’t have stayed gone longer than a night- but he _had_ walked out. 

Tokiya wasn’t acting like himself. Or rather, he was acting like he acted before Ranmaru even really knew him. Ranmaru fucking hated it. 

**I see there’s something going on**   
**I don’t understand why you’re so cold.**

When Ranmaru had come back from his night at Masato’s- the first place he had thought of to go, he immediately notices something off in the apartment. What it was, exactly, he’d realize was that _nothing_ was different. It was exactly the same as it was when he left to last detail. He thinks he hears sniffling, further in the apartment, but it was only for a second. It was just before he had closed the door. 

He hears another door close, in the guest bedroom of their apartment. That’s where he’d go first. The bedroom door was closed and locked. That wasn’t normal. He’d bang on the door with the side of a closed fist. “Tokiya, would ya open the door?”

“Why?” Tokiya’s voice would come through the door. To anyone else, it’d simply sound dismissive. But Ranmaru wasn’t anyone else. He knew Tokiya had been crying. 

“Toki, please.” Ranmaru tries a softer approach, but it falls upon deaf ears. 

“Just leave me alone, Ranmaru. You’re not going to help me.”

“You’re not even lettin’ me _try_.”

“You’re pushing, Ranmaru. It’s not going to work.”

“Then what will?”

Silence would fall. 

It’s like the temperature fuckin’ dropped. It felt ice cold in the apartment. Ranmaru would grumble, but he’d leave the door. Eventually Tokiya would have to come out. 

**Are we taking time, or a time out?**   
**I can’t take the in-between**   
**Asking me for space here in my house**   
**You know how to fuck with me.**

Tokiya would remain distant. Ranmaru would try to let Tokiya come forward, but he wouldn’t. 

They’d live on their with their lives. Ranmaru could barely spend five minutes in the same room with Tokiya, because he’d leave. He’d stop what he was doing if he’s been in the same room with Ranmaru for an extended period of time, and he’d leave to another room in the apartment. Most of his day was spent in the guest room, because Ranmaru almost never went in there. 

It hurt. Honestly, it really fucking stung when Tokiya would stand up and leave. Ranmaru couldn’t figure out what he’d done. 

He definitely didn’t feel like he was in a relationship with Tokiya right now. They felt like enemies- but the annoying part was how one sided it was. Ranmaru didn’t hate Tokiya. He just wishes he knew why Tokiya hated him. 

It was _really_ bothering Ranmaru, too. 

**Acting like we’re not together**   
**After everything that we’ve been through**   
**Sleeping up under the covers**   
**How am I so far away from you?**

They still slept in the same bed- likely because all they did was sleep. Before Tokiya’s long running mood had started, it wasn’t often that they’d sleep back to back, but that’s the only way they slept now- each man on their respective end of the bed. 

Ranmaru’s patience had been wearing thin for a while, but the main thing stopping him was their history. 

He had seen Tokiya at Tokiya’s worst, and Tokiya had seen Ranmaru the same. But it worked the other way, too- Ranmaru had seen Tokiya at his happiest. Tokiya had seen Ranmaru’s softer side, more often than Ranmaru had even really meant to let him see it. 

That wasn’t nothing. Ranmaru _was_ happy, when Tokiya wasn’t being so cold to him.

And there was clearly something wrong. Ranmaru couldn’t discredit that, because no matter how much Tokiya was pissing him off, Ranmaru was _worried_. Tokiya had a track record of getting himself in trouble, and Ranmaru was worried that he was back to it. Ranmaru didn’t want to leave if Tokiya needed him- but that also came with Tokiya not pushing him away. 

Ranmaru often didn’t sleep as well. Even when Tokiya was asleep, Ranmaru felt on edge. Like if he were to breath wrong it would get Tokiya on him. Ranmaru was trying not to snap back at him, but he could tell his limit was nearing. 

**What you holdin’ on, holdin’ on for?**   
**If you wanna leave, just leave**   
**Why you wanna bite your tongue for?**   
**The silence is killing me**

Tokiya’s coldness persisted, but he’s stopped even snapping at Ranmaru. At this point, he was just ignoring him. 

Ranmaru was wondering why the fuck they were even still together. 

Ranmaru was wondering why _Ranmaru_ had to be the one to threaten the end of the relationship. His last effort didn’t even feel like a real effort. He expected this last confrontation to really be their last.

Ranmaru would have sent Tokiya a text, basically asking him if he were home because he needed to talk to him. Tokiya would have sent back a simple ‘yes’. 

Ranmaru would have come home early with the intent to talk to Tokiya, but would have frozen. Tokiya was leaning over the kitchen island, his wrists together, his head ducked and pressing against them- but he was holding his hands too awkwardly, and Ranmaru would notice blood. When Ranmaru had come closer he’d see broken glass on the table, and a mostly broken cup. 

He’d piece together the clues pretty quickly. 

“Jesus, Tokiya, did you crush that cup?” Ranmaru’s voice is unsettled, but he’d reach out to grab Tokiya’s wrist. 

“I didn’t mean to.” Tokiya’s voice is almost a whimper. Ranmaru would notice tears, making Tokiya’s eyes shiny. 

“C’mon.” Ranmaru would mutter, beginning to move Tokiya, leading him by the wrist. It’s gentle. Especially for Ranmaru. 

To Ranmaru’s surprise, Tokiya doesn’t pull back his wrist, or give a cold comment. He simply stays quiet and lets Ranmaru lead him. 

Ranmaru leads him into the bathroom, grabbing the first aid kit and then kneeling in front of Tokiya, though he notices that Tokiya’s hands are curled into tight fists. 

“Oi.” Ranmaru would say sharply, forcibly straightening Tokiya’s hurt hand. Luckily, Tokiya hadn’t managed to wedge the glass much further in. Ranmaru would huff, his face serious. “You’re talkin’ to me Tokiya. And I’ll tell you right now that this conversation’s gonna end with us figuring out how to fix whatever the fuck is wrong here, or it’s endin’ with me walkin’ out. But I’m not gonna leave until you tell me why I’m leavin’.”

“I-” The energy in Tokiya’s voice fades quickly, turning almost miserable. “I don’t know.” Tokiya’s head would duck, not able to look at Ranmaru as he begins to treat Tokiya’s hand. 

“You’re hurt, Tokiya.” Ranmaru would say flatly. “You managed ‘t hurt yourself. There’s obviously somethin’ going on.”

Tokiya’s jaw would clench, and Ranmaru’s expecting a refusal. And then he would relax, and his voice comes out soft. “There’s this girl. An intern.”

That… wasn’t at all what Ranmaru expected. He can’t stop the wary expression on his face. 

“I’ve tried to ask her to leave me alone. I really have. I’ve never fed into it, or misled her. I’ve… I’ve treated her in the same way I’ve been treating you. She just-” Tokiya’s jaw clenches again, and he closes his eyes, but the tears have already started to trail down his cheeks. Ranmaru’s wary expression has changed. It’s still tense, but less so towards Tokiya. There’s still too much that he doesn’t know- but he’s starting to narrow some things down. “She keeps cornering me. Getting me out of the way of the other boys.” Ranmaru has to keep Tokiya’s hand flat when he tries to tighten it into a fist again. Tokiya’s voice turns cold, and flat, and detached. “She’s tried to force herself on me, multiple times. And I… guess that’s not what you’re asking me about.” Ranmaru tenses, about to cut Tokiya off. Tokiya always did have a problem with assuming things. But Tokiya continues before he can. “I shouldn’t have acted the way I did towards you… just-” Tokiya lets out a shaky sigh. “I was scared. I was afraid that you’d ask me about it, and I was afraid of what your reaction would be. I figured if I kept myself distant that you wouldn’t _want_ to ask me. And then the further in I got, the more I realized that my reason wasn’t justification enough, and that became _more_ of a reason to avoid it. And then you texted me, and I just… wasn’t sure how I’d be able to do this.”

“...You’re over thinkin’ all of this, Tokiya. If you need help, you’ve gotta _tell_ people. Tell _me_. We’ve just…” Ranmaru huffs. His hands haven’t stilled, now bandaging Tokiya’s injured hand. “Gotta take this one point at a time. You have ‘t stop assuming shit. I know you pretty well, Toki.” Tokiya has to look away. It had been months since Ranmaru had used his nickname. “I know you like to live ten steps ahead, which might be fine if you weren’t wrong.” Ranmaru’s tongue clicks. “You’re hardly ever right when you assume how people are gonna react. ‘Least when it comes to you.” Ranmaru would sigh. “I’d be a lot less… annoyed, if you’d ‘ve just _told_ me.” Ranmaru voice would then turn into a grumble. “Sometimes I think you forget that I care, and that it really fuckin’ sucks to be ignored or snapped at by you.” Tokiya would look down, his face guilty. Guiltier than it had been a moment ago, even. “But now I need ‘t hear more about what the fuck is goin’ on with this intern.” Ranmaru’s eyes narrow. There’s definitely anger- though it isn’t at Tokiya.

"I'm not even fully sure how to explain it." Tokiya says quietly. "I… imagine it would be considered sexual harassment. Especially at work. She keeps claiming she loves me, and that we're… meant to be. Which in itself is annoying, but she's very… physical. I've asked her to stop. I've tried to ask nicely, and I've tried to shut her down, she's just… very persistent. She's told me before as well that if I want her to stop, I should either make her, or respond- and I'm not comfortable with either."

"Have you told anyone?"

"...I haven't. I… would say that I barely knew how to bring it up to you, but I _didn't_ know how to bring it up to you."

"It's not gonna end if you won't tell anyone." 

Tokiya's jaw would set, and he'd look away. Ranmaru would sigh. 

"Look. I know it's not the answer you want, but I'm tellin' you to do this for _you_ , Toki. If it's makin' you miserable, it needs to end. The best I can really do is 't offer to go with you."

A different look crosses through Tokiya's eyes, and he seems to be about to say something, and then he sighs. "Alright."

Ranmaru would finish with Tokiya's hand. "I'm not gonna get on ya too much about this glass thing, but you need to be careful. Upset or not, you can't be hurting yourself."

"I didn't mean to. I didn't realize how tightly I was holding it." Ranmaru would sigh, and with a bit of hesitation he'd gently ruffle Tokiya's hair. 

"Are we done with this? The whole avoidin' me and gettin' mad at me?" 

Tokiya would nod, standing from his seat on the toilet. He'd seemingly hesitate, looking at Ranmaru with a sad expression, and Ranmaru would sigh, pulling Tokiya into a hug. "I'm sorry." Tokiya's voice is hardly a whisper, hugging Ranmaru tightly. 

"I know." 

Ranmaru would clean up the glass, and they'd eat dinner, choosing to go to bed early. 

That night would be the first night in months that they hadn't slept back to back.


	8. She Doesn't Think That It's Ever Gonna Work Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song is by Bowling For Soup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided that I was going to change the formatting a bit- so now I'm using the lyrics for a story line without actually writing the lyrics down because I was trying to follow them too closely and either leaving out too much or adding things I didn't need to, I think

Ren had been going for Ranmaru Kurosaki, and he’d been going for him _hard_. 

They were friends, back when they were kids- and then they weren’t- and then they remet when they were both adults and Ren had forced his way back into Ranmaru’s favor with no permission from Ranmaru himself. 

Ren was ready to openly admit that he could and would flirt with anything that moves, but Ranmaru got it much worse. If Ren could turn the conversation into a compliment, a flirt or a dirty joke, he would- and Ranmaru usually would just roll his eyes and tell Ren to fuck off. 

Eventually Ren would get to him. Ren was absolutely positive. 

No matter what Ranmaru said- Ren would figure it out. 

He had to. 

Because he didn’t think that Ranmaru really believed that Ren liked Ranmaru, but Ren did. He _really_ did. Ren usually liked to at least somewhat respect both the ladies and gentlemen he pursued, and he’d stop pushing when they’d complain to him.

Ranmaru had certainly complained. 

Ren hadn’t stopped. 

Ren wasn’t sure how else he could convince Ranmaru he liked him beyond persistence- so that’s what Ren did. He stuck with it. And clearly, Ranmaru wasn’t _that_ annoyed. Ranmaru never denied Ren in anything but date proposals. And even then, Ranmaru still went out with Ren- under the consistent reminders from Ranmaru that it wasn’t a _date_ , it was a _hang out_. 

Ranmaru often gave Ren reminders. 

“Ren. ‘M not gonna go out with you.” Ranmaru’s voice is a grumble, but it’s tired. He can’t remember how many times he’s said this. “You’re a fuckin’ flirt and you don’t know when to give up. We’re not compatible, ‘n we’re not gonna be.”

“We don’t know.” Ren insists calmly. “We haven’t tried.”

Ranmaru sighs. He always sighs. 

No one has yet to win this conversation. 

And then one night Ren and Ranmaru went out with each other- to one of Ren’s favorite bars, and they both had drank far more than they should of. Of course, it hadn’t actually been expected for either of them to drink heavily, and both men knew it was stupid for either of them to get behind the wheel of Ren’s car. 

It was Ren, who called the cab. 

When he’s done, he leans against Ranmaru, grinning. “You know-” Ren talks, even as Ranmaru pushes him back. Ren barely regains his balance in time but the shit-eating grin stays in place. “ _I’m_ responsible for you being alive right now.”

“The best that I’ll give ya is you’re not responsible for killin’ me.” Ranmaru rolls his eyes. “If you could even open the fuckin’ door of a goddamn car right now.”

“Aww, c’mon, Ran.” Ren’s smile is still teasing. “I’m _responsible_.”

“Wouldn’t go that far.” 

It goes back and forth, as they wait for the car, but the conversation shifts, just before it arrives. 

“Why are you so damn persistent?” Ranmaru’s eyes narrow at Ren. “How many times ‘ve I gotta tell ya we’re _just friends_?”

“We’re just friends?”

“We’re just friends.”

Ren hums, and he shrugs. “Personally- I think that all depends.”

Ranmaru glare falls flat, as his entire expression matches. He looks exasperated, but Ren only smiles as the car pulls up. 

Ren lost his current modeling job- and when he arrived early to the apartment he, Masato and Ranmaru shared, he had to explain to Ranmaru _why_ he didn’t currently have a job. 

Ren had been given ‘constructive criticism’, but to Ren it really just sounded like bullying. That wasn’t the kind of thing that Ren would just lay down and take. 

He didn’t think defending himself was wrong. 

According to the director of the shoot, and mostly everyone else- Ren’s sharp comments and returned… “criticism” was more smart-assish and less self-defenseish. 

Ren knew Ranmaru well enough to tell that Ranmaru’s harsh expression was hard to maintain- because Ranmaru found the situation humorous but the consequences annoying. Ren didn’t blame him. 

Ranmaru was a hard worker. Ranmaru worked twice as hard as Ren did, and that was saying something- because Ren worked ten times harder than he used to. But Ranmaru stayed up late, woke up early and survived off of naps, black coffee and coca-cola to make ends meet. 

All three of them paid for this apartment they stayed in. Of course, Ren could pay the apartment off himself alone- and Masato had enough idol money to likely do the same, but the point was to use money from current jobs, to keep them working. So while Ren would, of course, pay his part- it was technically an inconvenience to Ranmaru.

Which is why Ranmaru comes back the next day to a single rose lying on his perfectly made bed, with a note. 

“Just because~”

The rest of the note was something that Ranmaru wouldn’t admit to and Ren wouldn’t repeat. It was sweet, it was sincere- and it wasn’t the type of thing Ren normally said seriously. 

Ren hoped desperately that Ranmaru would eventually see that Ren was serious. That Ranmaru would eventually give Ren a chance. 

Sure- Ren was _sure_ he could be annoying sometimes- but he was _entertaining_ at least. He was loved by so many people that it was frustrating that Ranmaru wasn’t one of them. 

Ren could only say so much about his personality- but he could at least defend his appearance. He knew he was an attractive man. You didn’t get as many modeling gigs as he did if you weren’t. Was he not Ranmaru’s type?

Ren had tried for a while, to pretend like he was just fine. Like it really was a game to him- the type of game that Ranmaru obviously thought it was for him. 

And then, finally, Ren snapped. 

It was another one of Ranmaru’s dismissals. Another time where Ranmaru called him a shameless flirt, and told him to find someone else to throw himself onto because it wasn’t working- and Ren had just… had enough. 

“I’m not just playing the field.” Ren’s voice is sharp. “I wouldn’t push past your blatant refusals and continuous insults towards me if I weren’t _serious_. You tell me constantly that we’re not compatible and that we wouldn’t work- but you won’t even _entertain_ the idea. I fucking love you, Ranmaru.”

Ranmaru stops, his eyes just a bit too wide. But something finally shifts in Ranmaru’s eyes- something changes, more than it ever has in any of Ren’s attempts before. 

And then, Ranmaru’s face settles, and his arms cross. Ren prepares himself to get chewed out- or to get another lecture. Maybe a, ‘if you’re this upset, stop hitting on me’ speech. 

“I still don’t think it’s gonna work.” Ranmaru says, “But y’know what? Fuck it. If you really want me ‘t give it a shot that bad… let’s do it.”


	9. Begin Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The song that this fic is based off of is Begin Again by Taylor Swift

Tokiya can feel his heart beating, too quickly in his chest. 

Tokiya adjusts his dress shirt, fidgeting with it almost nervously. His last girlfriend had told him her distaste for his usual dress- because Tokiya was never much of a fan of casual dress. He never stopped, wearing the clothes he preferred, but she hadn’t ever stopped letting him know how she didn’t like it. She didn’t like how it looked on him.

Tokiya chooses to take a train to his date, slipping his headphones in. He’s always uncomfortable around a lot of people. Tokiya could have called his date to pick him up, but Tokiya didn’t want to be problematic. It had been two years since his last girlfriend, and he still couldn’t go more than a few days without being reminded of something from his relationship. 

Like the song that had started playing- painful to listen to, but he’s unable to skip it. It was a song that Tokiya related to heavily. A song he had shown his last girlfriend, in an attempt to try to show her more of himself, but she had dismissed it. She didn’t like the genre, and she didn’t get the lyrics. It had soured the song for him, but he couldn’t just drop it, because she didn’t like it.

Tokiya can’t find relief in getting off of the train, because now he’s worried about his actual date. He was ten minutes early, which isn’t as early as he’d like to be, but it was the best he could do with the transportation schedules. He wasn’t very worried- he assumed that his date would probably be late. Tokiya was very sensitive to time, and he hated being told a time and having the other person show up late, but he had gotten used to it. There wasn’t any anger or disappointment anymore. 

Tokiya is surprised to see Ren, standing outside of the cafe they were meeting at. Ren smiles at Tokiya as he approaches, and Ren takes Tokiya’s hand, kissing the back of it. 

“Shall we go in?” 

Tokiya’s smile flickers, but the attempt doesn’t throw Ren off. Tokiya simply nods, and the way Ren casually takes Tokiya’s hand makes Tokiya’s heart flutter. The cafe isn’t in a very popular place and they’re sat immediately. There’s almost a sense of loss when Ren lets go of Tokiya’s hand, but Ren moves, pulling out the chair Tokiya had been heading towards. He waits until Tokiya is sitting, to push the chair back in, and Tokiya has to glance away. 

“Thank you.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. 

Ren’s eyes flicker over Tokiya’s face, almost a bit curiously, but in the end, he chooses to smile gently at Tokiya, sitting across from him. “Of course.”

Tokiya and Ren had known each other for quite some time, but this is the first time they’ve met together as anything but friends. If Ren were to be believed, he’d held feelings for Tokiya for a very long time. 

Tokiya had given Ren a chance- it wasn’t that he wasn’t attracted to Ren. After all, Ren was undeniably handsome, and his personality was outwardly charming, though Tokiya knew him to be very caring and sweet and thoughtful. And perhaps, if Tokiya hadn’t been so closed off to the idea of romance, he would have seen Ren the way that Ren says he sees Tokiya sooner. 

Tokiya normally wasn’t so… nervous, around Ren. But to see Ren in a different way as a friend had Tokiya reverting into his shell. When Tokiya’s head bows, his bangs falling in front of his face, Ren reaches out. His hand rests gently on Tokiya’s. “Are you alright, Toki?”

“I’m fine.” Tokiya’s answer is fast, and when he speaks again, he slows his speech. “I’m fine. Thank you for asking.”

“You know me.” Ren squeezes Tokiya’s hand. “There’s no need to be so nervous.”

“I’m-” Ren’s look is still kind, but it’s enough to cut off Tokiya’s apology. Tokiya can feel his face redden, just a bit. “I… I’ll do my best.”

Ren sighs softly, but he nods. “That’s all that I can ask.”

When the waitress comes by, Tokiya finds that he is no longer surprised by how much food Ren orders. 

When their food comes, Tokiya isn’t surprised that Ren pawns some of it off on him. 

Halfway through their dinner, Tokiya makes a deadpanned joke- and he thinks he almost cries, when Ren laughs at it, enough to tilt his head back, a bright expression on his face. The laugh is so genuine, a type that Tokiya doesn’t often get. Ren seems pleased to see Tokiya’s smile, matching it with a larger one of his own. 

Tokiya was often misunderstood. His last girlfriend had taken him at face value, and nearly all of his jokes fell flat. If she laughed at him, it was at his expense. 

When dinner is done, Tokiya feels a crushing weight settle over his chest as he realizes he doesn’t _want_ to leave. 

Ren smiles at Tokiya, outside of the cafe, and Tokiya feels his heart beat differently. It feels… lighter, though his stomach feels heavier and he thinks he can feel his eyes burn, at the thought of separating from Ren right now. 

“This may be a bit… presumptuous of me to ask.” Tokiya takes in a deep breath, but Ren waits, letting him continue. “Would you like to come over to my apartment?” Tokiya’s eyes widen, when the words slip out, and his face turns bright red. “I’m not trying to… insinuate anything?” Tokiya’s hand raises to his mouth as his face grows ever brighter. “I just want to spend more time with you?”

Ren laughs, another bright, fond laugh. His fingers wrap gently around Tokiya’s wrist, to lower his hand, and his blue eyes shine. Tokiya finds his own eyes stuck on them. “I know what you mean, Toki. And I’d be more than happy to continue our date at your home.”

Tokiya sighs, relieved. 

“How did you get here?”

“The train.” Tokiya glances back, towards the path he had walked. 

“Then it won’t be a problem if I drive you.” Ren grins, offering his hand. “Shall we?” 

Tokiya doesn’t hesitate as long as he feels that he should, to take Ren’s hand. When Ren interlaces their fingers, Tokiya finds that he doesn’t mind. Ren leads the way to his car, but before he lets go of Tokiya’s hand, he walks him to the passenger side and opens the door. Tokiya’s gaze softens, though he finds himself looking away from Ren’s face. Tokiya bows his head. “Thank you.”

Ren’s index finger lands under Tokiya’s chin, tilting his head up. Ren’s smile is gentle. Patient. “There’s no need to be so shy, you know.” Ren’s hand pulls back, slow enough to trail just under Tokiya’s jaw. “Even if it is pretty cute.”

Tokiya’s flush reappears, and Ren laughs. He brushes a stray piece of Tokiya’s hair away from his face before he truly does retract from Tokiya, waiting for Tokiya to be fully into the car before he closes the door. 

Tokiya wasn’t used to this. 

In his last relationship, he was the one that was always _trying_. Of course, trying often wasn’t good enough. He never affected her the way Ren was affecting him. 

But Ren didn’t seem unaffected either. When Tokiya was in Ren’s place, he wasn’t _happy_. He wasn’t content. He felt like he wasn’t doing enough, and he always felt like he was wrong- but when Ren glances over at Tokiya, wearing a smile that Tokiya can only describe as fond, Tokiya can see the affection in Ren’s eyes and it’s enough to make Tokiya want to move closer, rather than to pull away.

Ren knows where Tokiya lives. He’s been to Tokiya’s house often, to drop something off for their work or to visit Tokiya as a friend. He’s stopped by to give Tokiya meals, or even small gifts- items Ren had “found by accident” and had thought Tokiya would like. 

Ren had been courting Tokiya for much longer than Tokiya had realized. Tokiya remembers Ren’s expression, soft and happy, when Tokiya agreed to give him a chance. 

When they pull into the lot for Tokiya’s apartment, Tokiya gets out before Ren can help him out, though it’s clear that Ren had planned to. Ren instead offers his hand again. There is no hesitation in taking it. 

Tokiya unlocks his door with one hand when they arrive. Tokiya doesn’t let go of Ren’s hand, even when they walk inside. Ren’s eyes glance over the newest addition to Tokiya’s apartment. He just brings Tokiya with him, when he goes to examine the new shelf, full of records. Ren’s tanned hand runs carefully over the backs of the records, and there’s a smile on his face. 

Ren had been smiling a lot today. 

Tokiya enjoys seeing it, too. He always enjoyed Ren’s smile- especially when it’s directed at Tokiya. That was something that was true before Tokiya let himself consider viewing Ren in any way that wasn’t platonic. 

“Impressive collection.” Ren compliments. “I don’t know if you know this, but I have quite a few myself.”

“Really?” Tokiya’s eyes were already on Ren’s face, but a very clear interested look crosses Tokiya’s expression. 

“Really. In fact-” Ren taps a few titles. “I have these exact ones myself.”

“I… wouldn’t have guessed.” Tokiya admits. “Not necessarily that you have records, but that we have similar music tastes.”

“You have a bit of everything here, Toki.” Ren chuckles. “And with this many records, I’m not surprised we’d have some in common.” 

Ren spends a few more minutes looking through Tokiya’s collection. Finally, he pulls away, gently leading Tokiya by the hand to sit on Tokiya’s couch. Tokiya’s eyes haven’t left Ren’s face. 

“Can I put an arm around you?” 

“You haven’t asked yet.” Tokiya’s eyebrow raises, lifting up their linked hands. Ren grin sheepishly. Tokiya sighs, but he turns his head away. He can feel his heart pounding in his chest, but then he nods as they sit. “You can.”

“Will you look at me, Icchi?” Tokiya does turn his head, and with some difficulty he manages to look at Ren’s face. Ren’s face is serious as he first takes in Tokiya’s face, but when he believes Tokiya’s answer, he gives Tokiya a small smile. Ren lets go of Tokiya’s hand to wrap his arm around Tokiya’s shoulders. Ren doesn’t pull him closer, but after a moment Tokiya untenses, leaning into Ren’s side. Tokiya’s head lands on Ren’s shoulder and he glances up. He’s surprised to see Ren looking down at him with a soft smile. “I’m glad to see this. You look comfortable. You’ve seemed very on edge all night.” Ren’s smile gentles in a different way, and he rubs Tokiya’s arm, comfortingly. “I don’t know your past, but I’m grateful you gave me a chance. If this isn’t what you want, I want you to tell me- but if there’s some part of you that wants to try, to see if this works… I hope you believe me that I’m in this sincerely. And if you decide you can’t see me romantically, I plan to remain by your side in any way you need me- and that includes platonically. I’m always going to be your friend. Even if that’s all I ever am.” 

Tokiya thinks of the last relationship he was in, and a pained look crosses over his face. There’s a look of uncertainty on his face. “Ren… There was…” Tokiya sighs, struggling. “I do want to… try this. But there’s… A long time ago-” Tokiya swallows hard, and Ren’s voice softens. 

“If you’re not ready to speak of it, Toki, I’d never make you.” Ren squeezes him gently. “Why don’t we talk about something else? An easier topic.” When Tokiya nods, his hair brushing against Ren’s shoulder, Ren hums. “Did I ever tell you about my old winter time habit?” Tokiya glances up at Ren, but he doesn’t need to answer for Ren to continue. “I have two older brothers. I’m sure you’ve heard of Seiichiro, considering- but he’s the oldest of three. Every Christmas we’d sit together and we’d watch the same movie. I’ve always been more of a Summer person- or Fall, but I know I always looked forward to those nights. Even when I started to distance myself from my family… even now, I still watch that movie. And maybe, when that time comes around again this year, if you’d like, you could watch it with me.” Ren smiles at him. “It’s something I’d love to share with the right person.”

One of Tokiya’s hands moves, to rest on Ren’s side, furthest from Tokiya, and he holds Ren closer to him. “I’d like that.” Tokiya says quietly. 

The rest of the night is spent talking. It doesn’t take long for Tokiya to start smiling, completely relaxed against Ren’s side. When Tokiya finally glances at his phone, laid on the table, he realizes that it’s nearing eleven. 

Tokiya’s nerves wash over him again, and Ren’s attention is caught, when Tokiya starts getting quieter. Ren’s eyes glance to Tokiya’s phone as well. “Ah, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized how late it’s gotten.”

“I…” Tokiya turns his head, trying to hide his reddening face and his nerves. And, admittedly, the fear of rejection. The fear that Ren was going to judge him, for his request. “If… If you’d like, you could stay the night.”

Ren gently turns Tokiya’s head and Tokiya can feel his heart pound. His face was the most vulnerable it’s been so far that night, but Ren’s soft expression slowly sends a warm feeling spreading through Tokiya’s chest. Ren examines Tokiya’s face, and then he finally smiles, having decided that Tokiya meant it. “I’d love to.”


End file.
